Me: (Speaking into cameraphone) Testing, testing, one, two, three. Good morning, everyone! Today, I’m broadcasting from the Shady Acres Nursing Home, where I’m joined by Brian Brown, Maggie Gallagher, and Franklin Graham — former movers-and-shakers in America’s right-wing political movement.
Maggie Gallagher: Ha! Remember that? More like a bowel movement! …I kid, I kid. Go on, Robert.
Maggie: Richard, Robert, Ronald, Rasputin. Just make with the yakkity-yak. Yahtzee starts in half an hour.
Me: …On this day, thirty years ago, my three guests converged on Washington, D.C. for the Supreme Court’s hearing on same-sex marriage. In newspapers, in emails, on television, on the radio, they spoke out against marriage equality and encouraged others to do the same. Tell me, what did you hope to achieve that day?
Franklin Graham: First, I’d like to say thank you for having me, Richard, and second, let me just point out that none of us ever condemned the LGBT community.
Me: Uh, I’m pretty sure you did.
Franklin: Not me.
Me: You repeatedly said that we were “damned to hell”, which is basically the most straightforward condemnation I can imagine. “You’re damned to hell” is, like, synonymous with condemnation.
Franklin: Look, let’s not quibble over what words may or may not mean. The important thing is, we were there in D.C. as an act of love. We were fighting for your rights.
Me: I, um. What?
Franklin: Now son, you know that no movement can progress without an enemy. You’ve got to have something to rally against — terrorism, immigrants, Madonna. Not the new, mixed-martial-arts champion Madonna, but the old pop Whore of Babylon Madonna.
Me: She always did like a transformation.
Franklin. My point is, no matter how strong your case, you can’t just argue for something, you’ve got to argue against something, too. We were there so you’d have something to attack.
Maggie: That’s utter bullpuckey, Franklin. We were there because we thought that what we were doing was right. (To me) Don’t believe a word of that “topping from the bottom” crap Frankie’s feeding you. We were wrong. We knew it then, and we know it now. Is that what you want to hear? Pass the tequila.