I know it seems like I've been obsessed with poetry lately. Not true, though. I mean, yeah, sure, there are plenty of poems I like, but poetry is the acoustic guitar of the literary world: nice in the right hands, but when it's being worked by a 300-pound lesbian beside a roaring campfire, it makes me cringe. And there are a lot of 300-pound lesbians out there.
That said, I need your worst poetry, and I need it now.
Here's why: our friend and fellow thespian Lisa is undergoing chemo at the moment, and of course, her insurance isn't nearly enough to cover the cost of treatment--much less wigs. So we're putting together a benefit for her (check the mock-up invite below). In addition to the musical numbers and the comedy acts, yours truly will be reading some of the worst literature ever written. But first I have to find it.
Tyler and his partner, Jay, have been kind enough to send some real doozies my way, and of course Miss Somers will contribute a couple of sonnets, but I need more, more, more! I am not easily satisfied or sated. So start sending!
Pieces ought to be short--no more than a page or so--and truly, regrettably awful. They don't have to be poems, but who doesn't love rhyming couplets? Ideally, pieces should be written by someone the audience knows, like Elvis or George Washington or George Bush or Shakira. Yes: I will give a basket of monkeys to anyone who can find me a truly awful poem by Shakira. In fact, I'll bestow untold gratitude on everyone who digs up literary gold.
One small stipulation: it shouldn't be your own work. Have some self-respect, people.
The French Quarter may not be as fraught with felonies as other neighborhoods, but it's certainly not crime-free. In fact, it's seen more than its usual share of activity in recent months--typically nothing too "front page", but given the fact that the Quarter is the hub for tourists, everything that happens there gets magnified.
In response, author Joshua Clark has started an amped-up, higher-tech version of Neighborhood Watch called QuarterSafe. In a nutshell, he's encouraging Quarter residents to purchase inexpensive video cams and create their own closed-circuit TV systems to monitor street activity.
Now, on the one hand, I think Clark's plan is kinda laudable and forward-thinking and potentially very useful, especially given New Orleans' under-funded police department. On the other hand--the Dear goddess, it's Big Brother hand--it's a little creepy. (Though it would be creepier if participants were giving NOPD full access to their computers.) Also of concern: Tuesday's report in The Guardian that CCTVs don't have much of an impact on crime. And on a practical note: how big of a hard drive do you need to store all that data anyway? Read the email release I got this morning and discuss below:
For ten bucks and a few minutes of work, you can help drastically curb the daily robberies and assaults on our French Quarter streets. QuarterSafe.com is working alongside the NOPD to build a reliable network of citizen-owned security cameras to deter and catch criminals. There is nothing as efficient and effective as well-placed video cameras to capture criminals. It's as easy as...
1) Order a camera on eBay for $10 (w/shipping), so discrete [sic] it fits in the palm of your hand. Just search for "480K 6-LED Night Vision USB WebCam" or click here.
2) Install it. It runs off your PC. The driver disk comes with the camera.
Then download monitoring software free from SuperVisionCam.com. Make sure it faces the street as close to eye level as possible, and leave your computer running passively. Once you have the camera, please contact Detective Mike Carambat at 504 400 5214 or mcarambat@cityofno.com if you'd like him to come help you.
3) Send an e-mail to QuarterSafe@gmail.com and 8thDistrict@cityofno.com with the subject "Camera" with your name, phone number, and the exact address of the camera. Only when a crime occurs near you (God forbid you should be the
victim) may the police ask to obtain specific footage. Already have a camera? Let us know!
That's it.
Please visit QuarterSafe.com or more information, options, extension cables, and easy links.
It looks like the New York Times has finally gotten wind of steampunk. Quoth the Gray Lady: "With its enticing marketing hook, steampunk is rapidly outgrowing niche status." Um, what hook is that, exactly? Never mind. Just steel yourself for Gap's fall collection of bodices, bustles, and bowlers.
Luckily, there's one trend that can't be ruined by overexposure: dancing videogames!
From the apparently fabulous Haruhi, for the Wii. (Is that P5 singing, y'all?)
Also coming for the Wii--on my birthday, no less--a new version of Dreamcast fave Samba de Amigo:
Prepare to relive the magic--the spastic, retarded magic.
A CONCLUSION. AND MORE POETRY. (THIS TIME, LESS BAD.)
It has finally happened.
After years of obsessing over a poem I read decades ago--a poem that was once recited for my benefit by a boozy hairdresser standing on crumbling veranda in the Middle of Nowhere, Mississippi--I have finally found it in print form.
It wasn't easy. To start with, I had the title wrong. It wasn't named "Party Girl" as I recalled, but "Good Time Girl". P, G: big difference when you're looking up things alphabetically.
On top of that, it was one of Bukowski's later poems, meaning that it wasn't subject to the endless reprinting that some of his early works saw. As far as I can tell, "Good Time Girl" appeared in just two places: the collection entitled War All the Time, and in the September 1987 issue of Interview magazine. I found Interview first.
Like anything remembered from youth, there was a little trepidation when I flipped open the magazine. Would it be as good as I remembered? Or was it like much of Bukowski: entertaining to young "rebels", but otherwise obvious and dreadful?
I'm happy to report, it still rocks. To me, at least. Hell, I know this bitch! Don't you?
Good Time Girl by Charles Bukowski
you had your crowd
out back. .. your people just
sitting there and drinking and
listening to you ...
you were competing with
me!
but we danced! we had a good time!
and god, we laughed too!
you missed Culpepper!
god, Culpepper was funny!
we danced and laughed, that's what
a party's for!
you don't know it, but I went back
there
and I saw you with 3 or 4
people,
god, how somber you all were!
it was like a meeting of the dead!
well, you tried to compete with me
and you failed!
I'm from the country and we know
how to party!
you think I dance too sexy! sure I shake my ass!
it feels good!
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, COVER
ALL THIS WITH A GRANNY DRESS?
I dance close and I follow the man's
lead, I was always taught to follow
the man's lead since I was a
little girl!
in the country, that's natural,
there's nothing dirty about it! you're the one with the dirty
mind!
you're jealous because you can't dance.
and you don't like people because
you're afraid of them!
I like people and I like parties
and I like to dance!
and so do all my sisters, they'd
drive 2,000 miles to go to a
party!
well, why don't you say something?
you just sit there drinking and
looking at me!
hey, where the hell are you going?
you're always running out the
door and jumping into your car
and driving off!
well, if you don't want my
pussy
somebody else
will!
You don't know nothin' about
parties, you son of a
bitch!
On a completely different note: why the hell are there so many car commercials that feature guys (or gals) sculpting automobiles out of clay? Is this some kind of meta-metaphor? Or do car designers really work that way? The cars look all muddy and brown, and honestly, I DON'T LIKE BROWN CARS MUCH.
After years of coveting my friends' copies, I finally purchased Suzanne Somers' first volume of poetry, Touch Me. It was 76 cents on eBay, people. And in brilliant shape, except for a bit of cyan around the edges (a picturesque bit of aging, recently explained). No rips, no tears: only priceless literary gems like this:
Touch me
Gently
For I am fragile
Firmly
For I am strong
Often
For I am alone.
Touch me
Not like a cat
Or a tree
Or even a flower
For I am more than all of these
Yet akin to them: a woman.
Touch me
For I was made to be touched.
I can never be touched enough
--from the title selection of Touch Me
Oh yes, bitches. There's more where that came from.
This afternoon, following my wig wash for the Costume Institute party, I saw a twentysomething woman on Fifth Avenue wearing a black knit top and boxy red hotpants, perhaps in a cotton sateen. Her look was not entirely successful (the conventional black pumps?), but an hour earlier, near Times Square, I happened to see a young Asian woman wearing a similar pair of hotpants in a stiff white fabric (with platforms). The effect was more flattering on her. I was intrigued on this warmish spring day: Will we see more of the look on the streets?
--Cathy Horyn, New York Times
Wait, I'm confused: are we supposed to be afraid because the hot pant/platform combo is making a comeback (for, like, the 37th time in five years), or because Cathy Horyn has her wigs professionally washed?
P.S. Cathy just posted an entry that began--I KID YOU NOT--"OMG". Now, I'm afraid.
NEW YORK TIMES ARTICLE MOST LIKELY TO BE MISTAKEN
FOR A STORY FROM THE ONION
* * * * *
Narrow Victory for Obama in the Caucuses in Guam
Senator Barack Obama appeared to win the Democratic caucuses in Guam on Saturday, defeating Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton by seven votes.
When hand-counting finished shortly before 9 a.m. Sunday, delegates pledged to Mr. Obama, of Illinois, had received 2,264 votes, compared with Mrs. Clinton’s slate, which had received 2,257, according to The Associated Press.
Turnout at the caucuses was about three times greater than it had been in previous years. Party officials said many people had registered as Democrats at the caucus sites, prompting the nickname "Democrat for a Day."
SATURDAY, IN WHICH I CELEBRATE THE END OF THE SPRING SEMESTER BY FLAGRANTLY INFRINGING UPON ALLEGEDLY COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL
For the past few weeks, BoingBoing has run occasionalarticles about the Oregon legislature and its firmly held belief that the state's laws are copyrighted.
While I like the wacky, pioneering spirit behind all that--can't you just see them in their prospector duds, hopping around and shouting, Them's our laws, dagnabbit!?--the claim is totally bogus. And because of that, and because I'm the kind of person who hates to be told "no", I was going to post a chunk of Oregon's legal code today. Yeah, I'm a badass.
Then I remembered that Oregon is one of the few states that offers domestic partnership to GLBT couples, which is, duh, really cool. So what to do: stick it to the Oregonian Man, or celebrate forward-thinking legislators who've acknowledged "lifestyle diversity"? I chose both. Enjoy this excerpt from the bill that went into effect as law two months ago:
...(3) Many gay and lesbian Oregonians have formed lasting,
committed, caring and faithful relationships with individuals of
the same sex, despite long-standing social and economic
discrimination. These couples live together, participate in their
communities together and often raise children and care for family
members together, just as do couples who are married under Oregon
law. Without the ability to obtain some form of legal status for
their relationships, same-sex couples face numerous obstacles and
hardships in attempting to secure rights, benefits and
responsibilities for themselves and their children. Many of the
rights, benefits and responsibilities that the families of
married couples take for granted cannot be obtained in any way
other than through state recognition of committed same-sex
partnerships.
(4) This state has a strong interest in promoting stable and
lasting families, including the families of same-sex couples and
their children. All Oregon families should be provided with the
opportunity to obtain necessary legal protections and status and
the ability to achieve their fullest potential.
(5) Sections 1 to 9 of this 2007 Act are intended to better
align Oregon law with the values embodied in the Constitution and
public policy of this state, and to further the state's interest
in the promotion of stable and lasting families, by extending
benefits, protections and responsibilities to committed same-sex
partners and their children that are comparable to those provided
to married individuals and their children by the laws of this
state....
