Okay:
Imagine for a moment that you and your buddies are walking along, taking a nice, leisurely stroll somewhere in the vicinity of the Rio Grande or maybe over in hill country–anywhere, really, as long as it’s under the w‘s jurisdiction–when all of a sudden you feel a sharp pain in your leg. And another. And another. Little lightning bolts are shooting through your body and you quickly look down and see that you and every single one of your companions are being rapidly covered by a raging swarm of KILLER BEES!!
Would you know what to do? Well, would you?
I would.
While my friends would probably be all like “Ouch!” and “Holy Shit!” and “Fuck this, I’m outta here!”, I’d have a battle plan. First, I’d run like hell; fat lot of good it does me to hang around and get stung to death when I could at least get my ass a few feet closer to the emergency room. Then, I’d look for some sort of indoor shelter: a Circle K, an abandoned cabin, or a clean and fully functioning rest stop (anything in a pinch.) If I couldn’t find a place to hide, I’d do my best to distract the bees by running through tall grass, or perhaps I’d make for the nearest herd of cattle–I mean, if I’m being chased by thousands upon thousands of toxin-bearing insects, I’m thinking I’d probably have enought adrenaline to outrun the bovines, and I’m gonna assume that the bees themselves wanna go after the easiest prey. So, sorry Bessie, but if it comes down to you or me, I’m afraid our Africanized friends are gonna get a thorax full of steak Tartar, not homo erectus man meat.
(Here’s an artist’s rendition of what I’d look like running from deadly bees. Note my eerily serene demeanor–I’m in the survival zone!)
Of course, no matter how fast I skeedaddle, I’ll probably wind up with at least a sting or two, so when I feel the first poisonous nip, I’m going to do my damnedest to scrape the stinger out by raking my finger across it in a sideways motion. (Pulling at it works to my disadvantage, since that actually can squeeze more noxious poison into my already delicate system.) And no matter what my friends might think, I’d certainly know that jumping in a pool or other body of water is probably a bad idea, since those pesky bees will probably be waiting for me when I surface! I bet even MacGuyver couldn’t handle that fierce killer bee science!
Now, if you’re as impressed as I hope you are, you’re asking yourself, “What on earth has this child been ingesting that would make him think of such things? And how did he manage to lend such an air of authority to a topic that, at first glance, seems positively ludicrous to those of us living in the first world?” Well, I have good answers to both those questions.
I got to thinking about the whole matter of freakish, life-threatening events while watching that repulsive-yet-riveting new CBS series, Survivor. You’ve got all these losers in a quasi real world/Real World setting, trying to make do with their wits and their latrine-digging abilities alone, and while they’re arguing about the lean-to, you see shots of venomous vermin wandering around in the background and you think, “Well, yeah, they’ve got a camera crew and some walkie-talkies nearby, but if one of ’em gets his ass bit while taking a morning swim, what’s the action plan, yo?” You can see how the thought of killer bees came to mind, can’t you? Can’t you?
Well, okay, maybe we’re not on the same wavelength. But to be honest, I go through those sorts of fantasy/vanity/rescue scenarios in my head on a daily basis. I think to myself, “Like, if someone were to walk in my office right now and throw out some anthrax (a disease that met with dizzying popularity among terrorists not long ago, but which seems to have recently fallen in the polls to e coli), how would I make it out of here without, well, kicking the bucket? And how could I save everyone else and maybe wrangle a raise out of it? And what will I wear when CNN comes a-knocking to do their feature story on my courageous acts?” I hope I’m not the only one with those kinda thoughts. Tell me I’m not alone….
(Side note: a couple of years back, there was someone here in town who acted out his own vanity fantasies, setting fire to his place of employment, then returning to put out the blaze just in the nick of time. Of course, he did it one too many times and the fire went out of control and the second and third stories of the building burned down…but maybe I’ll save that tale for another time.)
Oh, and as for the startling level of authority I demonstrated with regard to our pesky little friends from south of the border, I must give credit to the most recent addition to our overstuffed bookshelf: The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook. I’ve got much more to say about this really freeeky, really yellow little book, but since my carpal tunnel’s starting to act up, for now I’m just gonna give props to the little minx for honoring us with a copy of it. He’s flying back to Nueva Yorka tomorrow–y’all take care of him, now, y’hear? He’s nothin’ but a little bitty ol’ thing (though he’s on a rather impressive little gym routine, I must say).
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