FOUR BOOKS I WOULD WRITE IF I EVER FOUND THE TIME
Hun For All and All For Hun:
Tyranny That Works
Given our theoretically democratic political climate, we tend to revere stories of past leaders like Moses, Lincoln, Ghandi who took the time to listen to the wishes, concerns, and advice of their people. Might there not, however, be some admirable quality to be found in some of those autocrats we’re prone to vilify on the spot: Nero, George III, or perhaps Pol Pot? I mean, could Idi Amin have been all bad?
Nancy Drew and the Case of the Funny Balloon
Nancy Drew and her pals George and Bess discover a strange, slimy balloon at the bottom of a wastebasket in Nancy’s parent’s bathroom. What could it be? Is it a clue? Will it lead them to a mysterious catburglar? No! It’s a condom, silly, and throughout the course of the book, Nancy gets a thorough education in all forms of sexuality from her father, her mother, Hannah the housekeeper, and of course, Togo, the family terrier. A nightstand reader for the 12 year old who’s curious about the hair on her ho-ho.
Pottery Barndance
Set beneath the flowering chestnut trees of Pennsylvania, this is a story of budding love between two young Amish men. Will they renounce their love, choosing instead to marry appropriate young women from the village and fritter away their days plowing fields and snorting cocaine? Or will Jacob and Isaac escape together by candlelight to sinful Philadelphia, open a flower shop, and furnish their home through online shopping sprees? A bawdy, boxer-ripping romance!
Katie Couric is a Really Nice Lady
A sort of “day in the life” of America’s perkiest morning show host, from the time she administers her 4am triple-espresso enema booster, through her train ride to the NBC studios (during which she mingles with the common people and repeatedly gives up her seat for the elderly and handicapped), to the good-natured flirting she instigates with her humpy but unavailable co-host Matt Lauer, to her gracious avoidance of advances from the supremely creepy Al Roker, through her countless interviews with Really Boring Schmoes and her long schlep home. She loves homos! She doesn’t get mad when people step on her feet! She’s a semi-aggressive journalist, in a cutesy sort of way! She’s a bonafide Really Nice Lady.
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