To the 27-year-old riding his bicycle on a French Quarter sidewalk yesterday afternoon at 5:35pm:
Dear Sir,
I write today to ask a favor of you–unusual, to be sure, since we have never been formally introduced, but it is such an important matter, I feel the breach of decorum is warranted. You see, yesterday, as you rode your bicycle down the Toulouse Street sidewalk, you inconvenienced quite a number of pedestrians–myself included–by forcing them into the street to avoid colliding with you and your low-rent, BMX-style Huffy. This in itself would not have been so bad, except that there was a great deal of construction going on at the time, and the street was lined with various obstacles–one of which was a very deep, very dark pit, the bottom of which I could not see, but from which I heard a fair amount of hissing, which I presumed to be the sound of several dozen poisonous asps. Had the five-year-old girl before me slipped and fallen into said hazard, I feel certain those asps would have had their way with her, which, I think we can agree, would have been extremely unfortunate.
In the future, therefore, I beg of you not to ride your “bike” on the sidewalk. There are many reasons for you not to do so. For one, I believe it is illegal. There are several be-wheeled means of conveyance acceptable on the banquette–wheelchairs and motorized scooters being the most obvious examples, and perhaps the Segway (though the jury is technically still out). Bicycles, however, are well beyond the pale. Unless walking the bike at your side, you are not considered a pedestrian and should therefore limit your velo-aerobic activities to the street proper.
It is not only I who implore this of you, but also our beloved Officer Friendly. I’m certain you had many classroom visits from Monsieur Friendly as a youth, and that you, as I, remember fondly your special private time with him: his soft caresses, his warm kisses, his gentle thrusts. How disappointed he would be if he were to discover that you were breaking one of his laws! What punishment he would wreak!
However, if our city laws and the twin entreaties of Officer Friendly and I do not provide ample reason for you to avoid sidewalks in your future bicycle-based ramblings, consider this: if I see you do it again, I’ll kill you. To be precise, I will beat the motherloving shit out of you and leave you lying face-down in an alley in a pool of your own blood, with your pants around your ankles so the rats can rape your filthy, smacked-up, gutterpunk ass.
On another, purely sartorial note, I would like to suggest that, in the future, you avoid wearing your visor backwards and upside-down. Doing so is not only years out of fashion, but it signals to the casual observer that you are either (a) retarded or (b) a “hustler” (i.e. a male prostitute), both of which are also, unfortunately, quite illegal. Of course, you’re welcome to be a ‘tard and/or a ‘ho if you like, but I think signaling that to the authorities rather unwise. I’d hate to see your already dismal future fraught with any more obstacles.
Thanking you in advance for your consideration of my request and reminding you that I will, indeed, seriously fuck your skinny ass up if you disobey me, I remain,
Sincerely yours,
Richard
sturtle [dot] com 