Southern men have this thing about their bodies. Or maybe it’s American men in general. Or at least white men. Whatever: for certain segments of this country’s male population, when it comes to clothes–particularly beach attire–hiding the goods is very important.
It’s not a modesty thing. Modesty is Muslim women taking the veil or Pentacostal gals wearing ankle-length skirts. Modesty is me buttoning up my shirt an extra notch when I go to see Jonno’s grandmother. No, if Amerihonky beachwear was modesty-driven, it stands to reason that white men would cover up their beer guts and bare arms, too. As it is though, they’re all-too-content to show off above the waistline.
It’s a macho thing, I guess. These guys wear big, baggy swimsuits to hide the fact that they’re not well-endowed–or perhaps to hide the fact that they’re very well endowed. They follow a set of implicit rules that men in the rest of the world never picked up on: “Don’t draw attention to your crotch, buddy, ’cause I don’t wanna start comparing. I don’t even wanna look at it ’cause it makes me uncomfortable, looking at your schlong.” Same thing goes for hiding the ass. Size-envy and homophobia, wrapped up in one sartorial package.
That’s why the Hispandex site has intrigued me for years. These guys–mostly Hispanic, but sometimes Eastern European, too–aren’t shy about showing off. I get the feeling that in Puerto Rico or Moscow, finding an oversized pair of Jams would be nearly impossible: just racks and racks of Speedos. The thought of my family visiting such a beach or, conversely, a busload of these guys descending on the Mississippi Gulf Coast, is enough to make me squirm. In a good way.
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