Is it just me, or was Paula Abdul completely whacked on The Daily Show last night? Perhaps America’s second-favorite diminutive choreographer (after Toni Basil, of course) should use her freakishly large mouth for consuming something other than Night Train and ecstasy.

Exxon Mobil announces highest profits in the company’s history, equal to the gross domestic product of Luxembourg.

—The Guardian

Luxembourg, which now offers customers a free 42-ounce beverage with every fill-up, was thrilled with the news, saying “This is the first time we’ve made headlines since that sodomite arrived at the American embassy!” The country then gave reporters the key to the men’s room, which is generally available to customers only.