Construction workers are trying to kill me. In fact, they’re trying to kill all of us: my neighbors, the cutie from the coffee shop with whom I occasionally flirt, that crazy old woman who shuffles around in a patchwork coat 12 months out of the year, everyone.
If they wanted to get creative in their “Final Solution” for New Orleanians, these skilled manual laborers might hurl hammers at us from atop seven-story scaffolding. Or maybe line the roads with [still more] roofing nails. But no, these guys–and yes, they’re mostly guys–are going about it the old fasioned way: they’re trying to run us down in the streets.
The first couple of times it happened, I gave ’em the benefit of the doubt. “They’re new to town,” I thought to myself. “They haven’t gotten the hang of our roadways just yet.” Then, I found myself face-to-face with a late-model Ford F150 hurtling the wrong way down Royal Street at about 40 miles an hour.
The driver clearly saw me, saw that my hands were full trying to guide four nutty, hyperactive hounds across the street, but he didn’t stop. He didn’t even slow down. I waved my arms, yelled something to the effect of “You’re driving the wrong way down a one-way street, asshole,” but he just flipped me off and kept going. This has since happened half a dozen times–oddly enough, usually when I’m walking the dogs.
The problem is this: in New Orleans’ older neighborhoods, most streets are just wide enough for one lane of parked cars (since few of us have driveways) and one lane of traffic. Add a third car-width to the mix, and civilization as we know it begins to crumble. If you’ve ever driven along the few two-way streets Uptown and had to negotiate the right-of-way with someone coming from the opposite direction, you know what I mean.
So to all you contractors from Wisconsin or Florida or wherever contractors come from, lemme say two things: (1) thanks for coming, ’cause we need the extra help, and (2) if you choose not to read our “one way” and “no turn” signs, you should know that I bruise and sue very easily.
sturtle [dot] com 