A year later, and clearly, no one is satisfied. Residents are unhappy with the mayor, the feds, and to a lesser degree, the governor. Whites are unhappy with blacks, blacks are unhappy with whites, and no one is happy with the Hispanics except the contractors, who are unhappy with everyone who inhabits the Most Offensive Architectural Eyesore This Side of the Pecos (aka City Hall). Spike Lee is unhappy with the Times-Picayune. And those stinky hippies over at Common Ground…. Well, they’re just unhappy. Not enough hacky-sack, I suppose.
Of course, all this sadness and tsoris could be mitigated with a good plan and some good communications skills. Unfortunately, our city leadership fails so miserably on both counts that the infamous Hundred Day Plan cooked up by C. Ray Nagin (the “c” stands for “cueball”!) can’t even be found on the aptly named City of NO.com. Maybe he’ll get around to that in the next 365 days.
Now, someone has to cobble together a set of goals for the city, and given my current summer coiffure, I suppose I’m as qualified to do so as hizzoner or anyone else. I have therefore set out a five-point plan containing reasonable, achievable objectives, which will yield quantifiable results. They may not make everybody happy, but other than Laura Bush and Cicciolina [nsfw!], who really gives a crap about that?
1. Start demolishing buildings already. As a benevolent autocrat, I understand that some residents can’t afford to gut or renovate their homes, and provisions will be made for such folks. However, the people who own Robert’s on Elysian Fields, the Ford dealership on Carrollton, and dozens of fast food restaurants across the city…. Well, let’s just say those Taco Bells are ruining my view. And I’m a man who likes a good view.
2. Retrofit all structures with solar power. Perhaps it seems uncharacteristically hippie-ish of me, but this part of the plan is important because (a) it’ll diminish the very greenhouse gasses that heat up the planet that create the monster hurricanes that destroy coastal and near-coastal cities like ours; (b) with solar power, we won’t have to worry about losing power during afternoon thunderstorms; and (c) there’s no better way to encourage Entergy to go fuck themselves.
3. Prohibit predictable stories by the press. If I speak to one more reporter who says, “Yes, I understand that you’re trying to get back to normal, but don’t you find it depressing down there?”, I cannot be held responsible for my actions. Under my plan, there will be a residency requirement for all members of the press: no one will be permitted write a word about the city without having lived in Orleans Parish for at least a year. After-dinner forays to Creole Creamery will be highly encouraged by not required. Norman Robinson and Alec Gifford will have their press passes permanently revoked.
4. Accept no more checks. New Orleanians have wasted far too much time in the past year. We waited for the storm to pass, waited for news of the city’s fate, waited for rescue, waited for floodwaters to be pumped out, waited for the president to pay us a visit, waited to be allowed to come home. We don’t need to spend more time hanging around, stuck in line behind soccer moms who can’t be bothered to call in and activate their debit cards.
5. Enforce new-skool sharia law. I’m not talking about traditional sharia law, which would reduce the population of New Orleans to 13 or so within a few weeks. No, I’m talking about a new sharia, one to fit our city at this curious point in its history. For example, under my plan, if a city council member is caught taking bribes, the contents of her checking account will be given to an AIDS hospice in her district. A federal official found to be holding up disbursements of grant funds will be wrapped in duct tape and dragged through the streets behind a French Quarter donkey cart. The stupid, the stubborn, and those lacking common sense will be jailed and shipped to Alabama, where they may ultimately feel more at home. And if, perhaps, a group of people holds up an entire bar at gunpoint, they’ll be shot on sight, drawn, quartered, and served in a variety of piquante tapas dishes.
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