One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is ”completely heterosexual.”
Haggard also said his sexual contact with men was limited to the former male prostitute who came forward with sexual allegations, the Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur told The Denver Post for a story in Tuesday’s edition.
”He is completely heterosexual,” Ralph said. ”That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn’t a constant thing.”
During his prolonged period of self-examination, Haggard also discovered a talent for scrapbooking, a passion for fine sea salt, and a chest of pirate booty hidden beneath a rock in the meditation garden. “I think I’m the luckiest boy in the whole world!” exclaimed a visibly excited Haggard, surrounded by seamen who came to see his booty.
Ralph went on to say that occasional cockgobbling is acceptable evangelical behavior, as long as it’s not a constant thing. “By our reckoning, anyone is completely heterosexual if they’re straight 51% of the time.”
The other three ministers, however, insist that Haggard is a disco dancin’, Oscar Wilde readin’, Streisand-ticket-holdin’ friend of Dorothy.
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