LET THEM EAT RICIN CAKES
A running account of last night’s adventure in reality television
7:15 (Richard returns home after a gym session that was less workout and more old-home-week gab-fest. Jonno glances briefly toward the door as Richard enters, then swivels back to the television.)
Jonno: (Pouting slightly) You missed it.
Richard: Missed what?
(Jonno scowls. Richard follows his gaze to the tv and sees a be-headscarfed Tyra Banks serving up sass, ghetto-style. Richard has inadvertently broken his promise to watch the new cycle of America’s Next Top Model with his boyfriend.)
Richard: Sorry, I thought it was at 8:00.
Jonno: It’s at 7:00.
Richard: I know, but I thought–
Jonno: It’s always at 7:00.
(One hour forty-five minutes and some “I’m sorry, why don’t I order-out for dinner” Lebanese food later, the erroneously named Top Design begins.)
9:00 Oh Lisa. At least you get to be first in the credits. Which is kind of appropriate, since you were the first one booted off the show. Which is fine because you totally sucked.
9:01 Jonno: Ugh, I hate this show.
9:02 Todd Oldham will just die if he doesn’t get that recipe. Todd Oldham will just die if he doesn’t get that recipe. Todd Oldham will just die if he doesn’t get that recipe….
9:03 What the hell is Todd (aka Mahogany) going on about now? “Aesthetics holds hands with functionality”? And then what? They fuck like bunnies, have a child out of wedlock, and beat the crap out of each other?
9:04 Matt, honey? I mean, honey…. You’re not fooling anyone. You know what I mean.
9:05 Jonno: (To blonde-whore “client”) Ooh. You married for money, didn’t you, bitch?
Richard: Design for the dog! He’s the only one who should live!
9:06 “Make it work”, Carisa? Is Tim Gunn paying you for that cross-marketing?
9:07 Does Todd Oldham have a beard? Or pores? Is it possible that he’s just a lesbian with goiter?
9:08 How, exactly, does a 23-year-old like Michael/Michelle claim to have that much design experience? He’s still got teen acne. Atrocious.
9:10 I didn’t think it was possible, but there are worse people than the contestants: this lispy, whiny family. They’re like that bitch who played Little Mary in The Women, but without her redeeming qualities. (I’m sure there were some.) They should take a long trip to the country with Squeaky Fromme.
9:12 What the hell is Cachet, and where do their models get all that Oxycontin?
9:13 “I Melt With You” by Nouvelle Vague: if I hear it one more time, I’ll stop the nearest bus. Then I’ll ride it to the airport, fly to New York or Paris or wherever those jet-setting bossa nova bitches live, and I’ll knife them all.
9:15 I’ve grown completely immune to product placement. I think it happened months ago, during the whole “Macy’s Accessory Wall” debacle.
9:16 Is there anyone on this show who’s not gay? Or a fat girl wanting to be gay? (I’m looking at you, Carisa.) Every time someone opens his mouth, purses fall out. Honest-to-god: purses.
9:17 OMG, the contestants talking to one another. No one’s crying. They’re acting like adults. This can’t last. Dear goddess, it can’t last!
9:18 Ryan, the reason you’re the jack of all trades in this episode is because you suck. You can’t design, you can’t decorate, and I seriously doubt that you dress yourself in the morning. I suspect that you may be the lone straight man on the show. I hope so anyway, ’cause I don’t want you on my team.
9:20 Why are all the contestants rushing around like gerbils on a Habitrail®? Are they speed freaks, too? Fabulous!
9:21 So Bravo is bringing back the gym show with the annoying dykelady? She looks like Monchichi. A muff-munching monkey. I’d sling poo at her, if I had the chance.
9:22 Again with the Nouvelle Vague. Where’s that bus schedule?
9:25 Why, exactly does Lending Tree sponsor Top Design? What demographic are they shooting for? Annoying design school grads? Fags? Annoying design school fags? The girls who (platonically) love them?
9:27 Ryan, this whole nonconformist, stick-it-to-whitey thing? It’s gotta go. Now. You wanna join the Awful Family on their camping trip with Miss Fromme?
9:32 Todd, have you considered sending home more than one contestant? Say, six? Just cut to the chase, babycakes.
9:35 Omigod, that room/garage is the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. It looks like the Partridge Family bus exploded, the flames were extinguished, and the hideous shards were lovingly stored in cheap-ass see-through plastic bins from the sad, sad, bargain aisle of Wal-Mart. I mean, you had a team of six, plus carpenters, and that’s the best you could do?
9:36 Does Todd Oldham get a dollar every time someone says the word “Acadia”?
9:37 Jonathan Adler, how the hell do you get you Windsor knots so big?
9:38 Kelly Wearstler, how the hell do you get your hair so big? Or why, for that matter? Are you dating Eminem? For such a WASPy girl, you sure love workin’ the hoochiemama thing.
9:40 Finally, some grandstanding drama! Unfortunately, it comes from Michael, who’s got no room to brag about his work. His designs so far have looked like something Barbara Bush might’ve done for a Wednesday night class at the Y.
9:41 Jonno: Who is that queen in the Glade Scented Oil Candle commercial? The one sipping coffee with his pinky out?
Richard: I know, right? He’s all excited and shit, like he finally gets to spend a weekend away from the Mac counter, so he’s heading to the mall for some retail therapy with his two gal-pals.
Jonno: Well, at least they’re pitching to the right demographic, even if no one else is.
9:42 Bus! (What’s this annoying commercial advertising anyway? I can never remember. Oh, right: the Acadia.)
9:44 Dear Guest Judge: guys with nose jobs look really weird.
9:45 Ryan, the apology isn’t going to save your ass. You suck. You will die designing the underside of a bridge on I-10. Watch out for Hobo Willy–he’s packing a shiv.
9:47 Margaret, do that thing with your head again! That RCA Victrola dog thing, like you’re listening and you really CARE what people have to say! It’s totally cute and 51% believable.
9:48 Jonathan Adler. In bed. Picture it…. Or don’t. Actually, don’t. Just imagine the shoe prints those topsiders must leave on the ceiling.
9:49 Meshuganah? Jonathan! Your peyot are showing!
9:50 Kelly? Margaret? Fighting over Ryan? Picture that love triangle. Now file it away with the image of Jonathan’s topsiders.
9:51 Judges, why are you ragging on fatgirl? Give the girl a break! She’s fat!
9:52 And so it begins: the not-so-endless rounds of “You can stay.” Can’t the writers just draw a new catchphrase out of a hat?
9:53 Shear Genius? What,is Bravo worried about losing homo viewers now that Queer Eye’s been cancelled?
9:54 STOP THAT BUS!
9:55 Andy Cohen, who are you, anyway? And why do your eyes look crossed? Oh, never mind. Ouch…. Sorry to bring it up.
9:56 “Obsessed with curtains”? I thought Todd’s thing about aesthetics and holding hands was the gayest thing I’d heard, but it only gets better.
9:57 And the “Goodbye” goes to…Ryan! Amen! ….Wait: “fight the power”? “Uptight”? “Transcendental”? “Socio-political rants the other designers weren’t ready for”? Omigod Ryan, you’re so fired. Oh, wait: you are fired. Hooray. See you under the bridge.
9:59 Goil gets to “feel up Jan Brady” next week? Oh, “like Jan Brady”. Still, I’m in.
10:00 Okay, come to papa, Jon Stewart. Come to your goyische papa….
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