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So there’s this commercial. It’s about Hidden Valley Ranch salad dressing. Allegedly. But it’s so sad and weird and the salad dressing seems so inconsequential that I’m convinced the commercial is actually about something else. I should say we’re convinced, because Jonno and I have extensive debates on the matter. “The matter” being the narrative of the commercial: the story of the people who consume salad dressing.

There are at least two versions of this commercial–one with a guy, one with a girl. But apart from the genitals, they’re basically the same: Guy/girl sits in an apartment full of moving boxes. He/she is eating salad. He/she squirts some salad dressing upon said salad. Then the visions begin. The gloomy background fades out to reveal a bright, sunny meadow, and the guy/girl is at a table with his/her family. They’re all eating salad. They don’t interact, they just eat salad. Then the moment passes and we’re back in the dingy apartment and the guy/girl is smiling at the memory of the imaginary salad he/she just shared with his/her imaginary family. The end.

To pass the time, Jonno and I write internal monologues for the guy and girl. We tap into their streams of consciousness. We hope in vain that one of these is the true story of the commercial, because they are far funnier and more interesting than mere salad dressing. In fact, they make the commercials bearable:

HIDDEN VALLEY GUY/GIRL: “They deserved it. They totally deserved it…. Dad used to be so cool, but lately, he’d gotten all high and mighty. Mom wasn’t any better, sneaking into my room at night and trying to touch my no-fly zone. And Betty. Jesus! Betty…with her dolls and her frilly dresses and her Down Syndrome…. I warned them all, didn’t I? Well, now who’s a lazy slob? Now who’s a failure? Now who’s carved into teeny tiny pieces and packed in dry ice in these handy-sized moving boxes? WHO!?!? …Hey! What’s this bone doing in my salad? Oh, right….”

HIDDEN VALLEY GUY: “Gee, I wish the Hidden Valley Death Squad hadn’t slaughtered my family. But then, I suppose mom shouldn’t have blabbed so much about finding the Hidden Valley in the first place. And posting the ranch’s location on her MySpace page probably wasn’t such a good idea, either. Lucky for me, I was nailing a prostitute here in the attic at the time…. Hey, I wonder if this salad dressing I found in grandma’s hope chest is still good…”

HIDDEN VALLEY GIRL: “Like omigod! Vinnie totally said this shit was gonna be, like, killer and stuff, but omigod! O! MI! GOD! This shit is, like, 100% pure! Like, freakin-a pure! …Like, check out the colors! Awesome! I can totally see the music! I am the lizard queen, fer sure! …Oh, wait! Now it’s gone. Now it’s just salad! Just radicchio and butterleaf and arugula… Bummer….”