Harrah’s New Orleans
228 Poydras Street
New Orleans, LA 70130
To Whom It May Concern:
As a volunteer spokesmodel for New Orleans’ gay and lesbian community, I would like to thank you for your recent interest in our demographic. For nearly three centuries, New Orleans’ port facility and laissez-faire attitude have attracted a vibrant mix of people to its warm, muggy shores. It is exciting to see that fact acknowledged by an industry that typically restricts its marketing endeavors to trailer park residents, the elderly, and newlyweds from the Pacific rim. If I may, however, I would like to offer a few suggestions that will enhance your campaign’s effectiveness among my people:
Please redesign our section of your website to be more fabulous. The layout is as dull as a Saturday afternoon bowling tournament (on CBS, no less), and to call the copy “phoned in” is to slander the reputation of Alexander Graham Bell. I mean, gays and lesbians may often be cheap, but at heart we are a proud people; we can’t be bought for a few well-lit images from iStockPhoto.com.
As for the casino’s environment, I for one would like to see less skankified dancers in the vaguely skanky Masquerade nightclub. The lesbians in my social circle span the socio-economic spectrum, but none really go for meth chic. And as for homos…well, you know how much we like fat girls.
I would also suggest some tolerance training for your New Orleans staff. Last time I visited the casino with a group of fellow cakeboys, we were thoroughly ignored by the bartenders. Perhaps you should inform that thuggish band of booze-slingers that the only thing homos love more than a good cocktail is tipping cute boys. And for heaven’s sake, please ask your hot, burly security officers to stop staring at us unless they’re prepared to do something about it.
Targeting the gay and lesbian crowd is a great start, but what about the rest of the GLBTQ gumbo? For example, have you even considered marketing to trannies? I know for a fact that they’re totally up for taking a gamble–whether it’s with psycho bi-curious johns or drugs found on the sidewalk–and I doubt anyone else is marketing to them. You could be the first! Add them to the marketing you’re already doing in Malaysia and the Philippines, and you could double your traffic. (Seriously: they’ve got a lot of trannies over there.)
I do hope this advice has proven useful to you. The ways of my people are mysterious at times, shrouded in primeval mist like the novels we prefer to read, but in time, you will learn to think as we do. If you’d like further advice on this topic in exchange for a substantial six-figure salary, I am all ears.
I thank you for your time and attention to our sexy community and remain,
Sincerely yours,
Richard
sturtle [dot] com 