Fourteen reasons that Britney should End It All now
- Because suicide’s on the verge of becoming trendy again, and before long everyone will be all like, “Damn copycattin’ bitch.”
- Because people are starting to take K-Fed’s side, and girl needs the sympathy.
- Because the public is in danger of forgetting how truly fuhtup she is.
- Because Mary Hart is running out of things to say and is seriously considering having one of her assistants read up on that Darfur place everyone keeps talking about.
- Because someone’s gotta beat Amy Winehouse to the punch.
- Because I’d like a topical costume for Mardi Gras, and I can’t find a John Edwards wig.
- Because inheritance taxes are lookin’ pretty good right now. You know, for the kids and stuff.
- Because her sister’s newborn child needs a namesake.
- Because Nostrodamus said she would. Really.
- Because there’s construction in the works in downtown New Orleans, but you can’t name federal buildings after anyone with a pulse.
- Because she’s proven she can perform in her sleep, which means she can probably do so when she’s dead.
- Because she must prepare the way for The Chosen One.
- Because it’ll show that she’s environmentally conscious, what with all the decomposing and everything.
- Because Roy Cohn wants entertainment, dammit, and he wants it now!
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