This is la Montag‘s performance from last weekend’s Miss Universe pageant:

I expected it might be cheesy. I was not disappointed. I expected it might be appalling. Oh, and it was. I did not know what to expect with regard to Heidi’s dancing skills, but I wasn’t surprised: Auto-Tune can do a lot of things for crappy voices, but it can’t fix two left feet. Luckily girlfriend was lip-synching and her mike was off; otherwise, we might’ve heard “One, two, step, three-and-four” whispered over the P.A. as she did her allegedly sexy dance. I hope Christopher Guest was watching, ’cause she was totally infringing on his Waiting for Guffman choreography.

Here’s what I did not expect: full bastardization of the opening riff from Yaz’s “Situation”, which is easily one of the best songs of my youth.

You’ll pay for this, Montag.