So Katy Perry’s video for “Firework” is out. I have some problems with this.
- For starters: “Firework”? Unless we’re talking about a gutter punk working a set of flaming hula-hoops at Burning Man, I have no idea what “firework” is. Like “pants” or “grits”, “firework” is always plural. Why didn’t she just call the song “Scissor”? It would’ve made about as much sense, and as an added bonus, it would’ve fueled some of her admirers’ sexual fantasies.
- Obviously, the “firework” thing sets Perry up for some lyric FAILs. In particular, the chorus of “you’re a firework” sounds weird and grammatically incorrect and more than a little depressing. Like, “You’re a bottle rocket! A measly bottle rocket!” The sad trombone goes wah-wah.
- As if the grammar weren’t bad enough, the video’s director decided to go totes literal by setting people on fire. I know it’s done with CGI, but I can’t stop thinking about Katy Perry in a courtroom, getting sued by a pregnant lady covered in second-degree burns. That said, the image of Katy Perry shooting orgasmic fireworks from her tits like a pop-tart St. Theresa is kind of funny.
- Despite those complaints, I have to admit: girlfriend looks amazing. Her hair and makeup team maybe deserve a Nobel prize, because she looks far less “Hello Kitty Hooker” than usual. Why, she’s practically MILFy.
- I don’t know when this clip was filmed, but coincidence or not, it sends out a nice message in the wake of all these LGBT teen suicides. Big props for that.
- Too bad the song is terrible: mix two parts gay anthem, one part Coldplay knockoff, and top with a generous serving of lilting sex-yodel. (Britney has the “baby, do me” sex growl, Perry lilts like a milkmaid calling across the valley for her lumberjack hubby to come home NOW. It’s her thing.) Seriously, click play and shut your eyes. See? Um, hear?