Self-pics are a bitch.

To create the requisite combo of cool + interesting + saucy, you have to hold the camera at arm’s length and hope you frame the shot just right. More often than not, you crop off an eye, or you notice something hideous in the background that you hadn’t seen before, all because your phone doesn’t have a front-facing camera, thankyouverymuch, Steve Jobs.

Of course, you could take a shot in the mirror, but that feels like cheating to me. (NB: why the hell do folks who take mirror pics always stare at their viewfinders? Look up, people: we can see you.)

All told, the ratio of bad self-pics to good is about 10:1. If we agree that duckface is a bad thing, it’s more like 50:1.

Last year, the New York Times ran a semi-helpful feature on how to take a flattering self-pic. Given my work on Lurid Digs [thoroughly NSFW], my friend Tyler suggested that I write a follow-up piece on self-vids. You know, the sexy kind. And I thought, “What makes you think I’d know anything about dirty movies?” And then I thought, “Okay, fine.”

Before we get started, however, I should mention a couple of things. First, I freely admit that smutty is in the eye of the beholder, and I know that everyone has his or her own turn-ons, but there are a few tried-and-true rules that apply across the board, no matter what your kink may be. (Unless your kink is terrible videography, in which case, you’re on your own.)

Also, I should point out — though it’ll be obvious very soon — that all of the following clips are of guys because that’s what I tend to watch, but again, the rules are more or less the rules, no matter what Skittle you diddle. And last but not least: Xtube embeds are notoriously janky; if something below doesn’t load, just click the video to watch it on Xtube proper.

And so, for what it’s worth, my short list of self-vid DOs, with a few DON’Ts thrown in for good measure — all after the jump.

P.S. Mom, if you’re reading this, maybe you should stop here.

* * *

DO: INVEST IN A GOOD CAMERA
Pixels are cheap nowadays. You probably already shell out for broadband, so surely you can manage a few extra bucks to capture flattering shots of your nether region. Internet: $30. Webcam: $25. Finding Mr. Right Now with a saucy cam show: priceless. You don’t need anything high-def (unless you have thoughts of turning pro), just something solid. Heck, even a good mobile phone will do, if you know how to work it. ManInMtl looks like he’s making do with the cam built into his laptop:

http://cdn1.static.xtube.com/embed/scenes_player.swf?xv=2062

DON’T RELY ON A WEBCAM FROM 1997
If Super Mario Brothers has better screen resolution than your home sex vids, it’s time for a trip to Walmart. (Not Target, though: they’re probably still assholes.) This guy looks especially hot, which makes it doubly frustrating that he didn’t use some of the dough he spent on that sofa and put it toward a decent cam — one sans blurriness and avec sound (see notes below).

http://cdn1.static.xtube.com/embed/scenes_player.swf?xv=1

DO: GET TO THE POINT
Like a good YouTube clip, your sex video should clock under five minutes (three minutes being the Goldilocks spot). There’s a lot of smut out there, and viewers want to know if you’re a good match for their baser needs, and they want to know now. This guy seems to understand:

http://cdn1.static.xtube.com/embed/scenes_player.swf?xv=1

On the other hand: while this guy’s breathing and moans are very nice, 20 minutes of cockshot seems a little “niche interest”. Then again, “slow cinema” worked for Warhol, so what the hell do I know?

http://cdn1.static.xtube.com/embed/scenes_player.swf?xv=1

DO: SHOW OFF YOUR TALENTS
And by “talents” I mean “talents in the bedroom”. TheDudeWhosADude presents a good (and adorable) case study:

http://cdn1.static.xtube.com/embed/scenes_player.swf?xv=2062

DON’T: LET THE TALENT OVERSHADOW YOUR NETHER REGION
Just a reminder that Xtube is not YouTube, although this fellow wins big points for personality (and bravery):

http://cdn1.static.xtube.com/embed/scenes_player.swf?xv=1

This is what I’d call a conundrum: the guy’s cute, and the lighting’s fine, but someone’s a little flat. (By which I don’t really mean “flaccid”, but yes, that too.)

http://cdn1.static.xtube.com/embed/scenes_player.swf?xv=1

DO: LET US SEE YOUR SEX FACE
Sex faces are awesome. As I mentioned last week, some photographers have made a career of documenting them. They let your partner — or in the case of the sex-vid, strangers around the globe — know that you’re really enjoying the action. Pawnbear shows how its done:

http://cdn1.static.xtube.com/embed/scenes_player.swf?xv=2062

And for those who like le sexface intense, here’s LittleBearNYC (who is, unfortunately, breaking the “good camera” rule):

http://cdn1.static.xtube.com/embed/scenes_player.swf?xv=1

DO: LET US SEE YOU AT HOME LOOKING COMFORTABLE
There’s nothing wrong with an exhibitionist video shot in the parking lot of your local hardware store, if that’s your thing. But personally, I find those clips anxiety-inducing — I keep waiting for the police and/or garbage men and/or evening news team to show up. My stress level goes way down when videos are shot inside, preferably, in someone’s home. Supra007 takes us into his bathroom and for extra points, he uses a mirror to great advantage. Note how he’s looking at the lens, not the viewfinder, people. Follow this example:

http://cdn1.static.xtube.com/embed/scenes_player.swf?xv=1

DON’T: LET US SEE YOUR PETS. PLEASE.
We all love our dogs and our cats, and some of us love our gerbils. But for most people, seeing those animals in a sex-vid — even when they’re innocent bystanders — is distracting. Are they going to jump on the bed? Chomp on your nads? Get covered in spooge? Donaiprince is hot, but I worry that he’ll soon succumb to cat scratch fever.

http://cdn1.static.xtube.com/embed/scenes_player.swf?xv=1

FYI, this applies even to pets we can’t see, like the barking dog in this clip who’s mad about being separated from papa:

http://cdn1.static.xtube.com/embed/scenes_player.swf?xv=2062

* * *

Hmmm. This post is starting to feel a little long, and I’m starting to feel a little undercaffeinated. How’s about I come back tomorrow with the rest of my suggestions? Stay tuned.