Being a mammal is a drag, right?

Sure, the guys enjoy having fur. (Well, except maybe the professional swimmers who seem keen to shave it off, but why would any of them be reading an article on how to fit into a swimsuit? It’s what they do for a living, right?)

Heck, even some of the gals like having fur. Are you with me, bearded ladies?

What was I saying?

Oh, right: being a mammal is a drag. All this business about gorging on food during the winter, just so we can make it through the lean months? That’s for the birds. (Who, now that I think of it, also do the gorging thing. So, being a bird sucks too, I guess.)

Take my own waistline, for example. I packed on a good 10 pounds last winter without even realizing it. My junk tried to give me a heads-up, but by then it was too late. Now, summer’s here, and not only do I feel obligated to squeeze into last year’s swimsuit, but I also feel obligated to wear it in public.

Thankfully, I am not alone. I know that many of you bear the same terrible burden. And so, here is some dieting advice that you won’t find in Cosmo. Unless, of course, one of you is an editor for Cosmo. In which case, yes, this article is available for publication in your fine magazine. Call me.

Just For The Gays: 5 Tips To Help You Fit Into That Summer Swimsuit!

1. Beef belongs in the bedroom, not on the dinner table. (Or the coffee table, you trashy whore.) The fleshy parts of cows, pigs, and even seed-sucking birdies in the sky are calorie-rich. More calories = more waist.

But forget about that. Most importantly, cow and pig give us leather and suede. So basically, every time you eat a burger, you’re generating more animal skin for the international leather market. And you’ve taken Econ 101, so you know what that does to the value of those Marc Jacobs chaps you bought last year as an investment piece, right? Fuck all, is what.

Skip the meat, and your wardrobe portfolio will skyrocket in value. Can I get an amen from the Carries in the house?

2. Not all fungus is bad for you. In fact, I suggest scarfing down large quantities of mushrooms, wherever you go. At the dinner table, they’re healthy, but at the club, they’re even better: a perfect, hippy-dippy substitute for meth.

Why should you ditch meth? First of all, it’s super 90s, and as someone who lived through that decade, I can say it pretty well sucked. C&C Music Factory? NEVER AGAIN.

Second of all: meth gives you terrible teeth, which isn’t going to help get you laid. And it seriously compromises your oral skills, so on the off-chance you do get laid, you’re not going to be invited back. #Wompwomp.

But most importantly, meth keeps you up for, like, days. And you know what sleep deprivation does? IT MAKES YOU FAT. Which I think was the whole point of this post, according to the top of the page.

3. Love the studs, not the spuds. Remember how your schoolteacher used to say, “You are what you eat”? And you were all, like, “Whatever”. And she was like, “Detention!” And you sat in detention for hours trying to figure out what the hell she meant. (And also if Michael Himmelstein was wearing underwear that day. Oh, those nice Jewish boys.)

Well, I don’t know exactly what your teacher was trying to say — for all I know, she might’ve been drunk as Cooter Brown, because mine certainly was. But if she went on a rampage and held a gun to my head and forced me to explain it while puffing cigarillo smoke in my face, I would probably say that, if you eat potatoes, you will end up like a potato: fat and pasty and flavorless. And also, very tan. Three out of four of which are bad.

My suggestion? Switch to onion rings. You still get all the fat that you want from French fries, but with fewer calories. And as an added bonus, they make you all stinky. You’ll be a hit at the Eagle Pool Party. (Assuming that such a thing exists. Which it probably doesn’t.)

4. Hide the hormones. Seriously, you want to slim down and you’re taking growth hormones? Do you see the irony, gymqueen? Look harder.

5. Say “fuck it all” and go beary. Like math, maintaining a 33-inch waist is hard, so follow my favorite fortune-cookie saying (which is not technically a fortune but a proverb, because fortune-cookie fortunes are hard to come by these days): “If you can’t solve a problem, make it bigger”. By “problem” I mean “your waist”, and by “make it bigger”, I mean “make it bigger, and buy a ticket to Bear Week in Provincetown. In fact, buy two, because airlines discriminate against people like us nowadays.”

True, you’ll end up paying more at the grocery store and on mass transit fees and maybe in doctor’s bills, but in the process, you’ll learn to love yourself, and can we really set a price on finding true love? (Patti Stanger, if you’re reading this: that was a rhetorical question, you two-bit hack.)

Keep a diet journal and send me the results! Or just pass the Twizzlers, I don’t care.