We’re in Atlanta, which is good, I suppose. The city seems fairly dog-friendly, and it is very well air-conditioned. Also: it is not in the path of a hurricane. Yet.

We were lucky on the drive out. We left yesterday morning, and I have to say, we were a little concerned. Getting across Lake Pontchartrain, which usually takes 30 minutes tops, took an hour and a half. After the bridge, though, traffic moved normally. The roads were crowded, yes, but everyone was moving at 70 or 80 miles per hour, so that was good. I am very sorry to hear about the contraflow problems on I-59. I’m sure traffic on that route was lighter for Katrina, so maybe there were some kinks officials missed. It makes my stomach hurt to think that we seriously considered waiting for the contraflow to begin before leaving.

I am a child of the 80s and a frequent fan of ACT UP rhetoric, but it is very hard to turn my sadness into rage right now. Even if I could, at whom would I direct the rage? Poseidon? Flatulent cows? An anthropomorphized meteorological event? It’s kind of a moot point, because I’m pretty well exhausted by now.

On the upside, nearly everyone I know left town, and we’ve all been really good at keeping each another apprised of our whereabouts. (A painful lesson taken away from Katrina.) I know only four people who decided to ride out the storm. Two were obligated because of their jobs (one’s a nurse, one’s an emergency worker for his parish). Two others chose to stay because…well, I don’t really know why. But I know where they are, and I know they’re VERY well prepared, and I know that they’ve been contracted to provide food to the New Orleans Police Department after the storm passes, so they’ll make some cash. Yay for entrepreneurship.

I’m thinking of all those people right now–those who stayed and those who didn’t. I’ll do so tonight and all day tomorrow. By nightfall, the worst of it should be over, and I hope to hear from everyone shortly thereafter. Thanks for the kind emails and tweets and comments and such; I’ll respond to most of them later. I need some food now. I’m sorry.

Blogging by phone, so I’ll be brief: (a) we made it out just fine yesterday; (b) we spent the night with Callie in Columbus, GA; (c) I ate MANY AMAZING CHICKEN LIVERS today; (d) we are heading on to Atlanta in a few minutes; (e) we left Dave in charge of the homestead, since he was obligated to stay; (f) unless McCain has meteorological powers to rival Doctor Bombay, we don't need his help. More when we hit the 404….

Attention, people at the National Hurricane Center:

I know it’s a little late for this, but my partner, Jonno, and I have some suggestions for future storm names. Not that there’s anything wrong with the ones you’ve chosen but…oh, who are we kidding? They totally suck.

Seriously: Gustav? You’re trying to get people interested, to make them pay attention, and you’re going with Gustav? Do we really need to tell you that NO ONE KNOWS Flaubert? He’s like someone you’re supposed to read in French class, but you slink by with the Cliffs Notes summary, and Madame Washington is none the wiser. And of the (maybe) 12 people who remember him, NO ONE remembers his first name.

That said, we have some great suggestions that ought to liven things up. They appeal to a broad demographic, including literary types, pop culture junkies, and ‘tards. Check out these babies:

• Hurricane Ignatius P. Reilly (A storm any bookworm would love!)

• Hurricane Jan Brady (They still run that show in syndication, you know.)

• Hurricane Kenickie (Everybody remembers Grease!)

• Hurricane Linda Lavin (It’s alliterative!)

• Hurricane Marcelle Marceau (Also alliterative!)

• Hurricane Nanette Fabray (I lobbied for Nana Mouskouri, but no dice. Sad face.)

• Hurricane Otis Spunkmeyer (But only if he sponsors it.)

• Hurricane Pussy Terwilliger (A celebrity, but only in in my mind.)

That’s all we’ve come up with so far, but we can totally go all the way to Z if necessary. Just give us the word.

With everything else going on right now, a ditty about the agony of waiting seems somehow appropriate. As a bonus: it’s performed by one of my fave Greek songstresses, produced by Quincy Jones, and the video incorporates half a dozen oversized African masks:

It works on so many levels.

Hurricane Preparedness Watch: Volume #3

George Bush

• Has declared State of Emergency in Louisiana.

National Guard

• Is en route to New Orleans to provide coverage throughout the city.

St. Tammany Parish Officials

• Have already declared a State of Emergency.

Ray Nagin

• Took part in a joint press conference last night, at which he had apparently little to say.

• May be having lunch, because as of 12:55pm today, there’s no sign of him on the news feeds.

• Should really fire his freakin’ webmaster.

Summary:

Jindal: 7

Bush: 1

National guard: 1

St. Tammany: 1

Nagin: -4

CityOfNO webmaster: -6

Being in New Orleans on August 29, 2008 is a strange and magnificent thing. Obviously, there’s a certain anniversary to consider. A storm has its eye on the metro area. Banksy walks among us. And for some reason, there’s a lot of activity, a lot of buzz: helicopters and planes flying low in the air, sirens wailing. Frankly, it’s kind of exciting.

Which is fine now, but in a few days, I’ll probably be wishing for far less exciting times.

Hurricane Preparedness Watch: Volume #2

Bobby Jindal

• Declares emergency

• Asks for federal help

• Steps up readiness plan, including buses for evacuation

Ray Nagin

• May still be in Denver, or possibly on a plane

• Says there are “no shelters of last resort”

• Questions the stability of levees

• Says that 7,000 people have registered for assistance with evacuation through the 311 service–although that service appears to be down a lot and doesn’t seem to provide any specifics on evacuation plans

• Has a webmaster who posted some lovely photos (but sadly no useful information) from a Gustav-related press conference at City Hall

Summary:

Jindal: 7

Nagin: -4

CityOfNO webmaster: -6

On this very day three years ago, Jonno and I left New Orleans. At 12:15am, we waved goodbye to the house and headed off to Lafayette, with the dogs and our laptops and enough clothes and toiletries to last a couple of days.

But we did not return in a couple of days. We did not return in a couple of weeks. (Well, I did, but only briefly.) We threw ourselves at the mercy of our unwitting hosts for six weeks. Last night, one of them happened to be in town, so we invited him over for our weekly Project Runway/Chinese takeout throwdown. I think he got the short end of the stick.

(Side note: I’m really glad that Keith was voted off the show last night. I feared the producers were going to keep him around for his general aura of hotness, but seriously: he kinda sucks. Faith restored.)

Back to storms: given everything that went on in 2005, I’m surprisingly calm about the upcoming evacuation. (It’s not definite yet, but it’s a definite probably.) I’m trying to remember what it used to be like, before we got burned–back when Georges and Ivan and a dozen other storms slouched our way, and we either evacuated or we didn’t, and things were back to normal a couple of days later. I’m thinking of this as a vacation, which is about all I can do.

Hurricane Preparedness Watch: Volume #1

Here’s a look at the Gustav scoreboard as of 9:00am today:

Bobby Jindal:

• is prepared to declare a state emergency on Thursday

• is prepared to request a federally declared emergency on Thursday

• has put 700 buses on reserve to assist with potential evacuations

• is prepared to begin contraflow on Saturday or very early Sunday

Ray Nagin:

• is cutting ribbons! (though someone from the Office of Homeland Security and Emergency Preparedness did remind people to stock up on water and to visit CityofNO.com‘s “Hurricane Preparedness” checklist, which we can’t seem to find).

Summary:

Jindal: 4

Nagin: 0

CityOfNO webmaster: -5

Hi, Gustav:

I’ve been watching you for a while now. You look awfully familiar. Did you used to be a chick? I could swear we’ve met before.

I know you probably feel a little neglected right now, what with a very large national convention gobbling up the headlines. Not to mention a certain anniversary. It’s true: you’re probably not getting the attention you deserve. Don’t get bent out of shape just yet, though; your timing is pretty damn impeccable, and I think everyone will be looking your way soon….

Look, Gustav, truth be told: I know you have a choice in landfall sites, and I want to thank you for considering southeastern Louisiana. But with all due respect, I think there are better options in front of you right now. According to the guy with the hair plugs on my TV just now, you could hit almost any beach in the Gulf of Mexico. But here’s the thing, dude: we don’t even have beaches! And although people rave about our food, it’s kinda spicy–not quite what you’re used to. Ever been to Mexico? You know what I’m sayin’. Plus there are lots of other people who could use your rainfall. Drought-stricken areas in the South. I’m not naming names, but Google that when you have a sec, k?

Futhermore–and I’m going to get a little personal, man–I know you’re “acting out” a bit. I don’t know who hurt you when you were younger, or exactly what they did to you, but violent outbursts are never the answer. Plus, we’ve been working hard to get things up to speed around here. Even if you took your best shot, I doubt you’d do the damage you would’ve done a couple of years ago. We’d probably hang out for a couple of days, then pick up right where we left off–just like we used to do all the time. Ask your brother Ivan how we dealt with him. I’m surprised I can even remember his name. Don’t you want to be remembered?

Anyway, I know that chatting with meteorological events isn’t really sensible–at least not in public. And I’m sure you’re kinda busy right now, getting focused and all, so you’re probably not even paying attention to lil’ ol’ me, hundreds of miles away. But I thought I’d put this stuff out there, you know, for what it’s worth. Thanks for your time, and remember: if you’re feeling disorganized today, just go with it.

Warily,

Richard