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Thankful

I’m surrounded by great cooks.

I’m up to my eyeballs in good indie porn.

Certain individuals will eventually die.

The Overstock.com lady hasn’t shown up anywhere else.

E. F. Benson is still in print.

And the usuals: family, friends, health, hounds

Not Thankful

I can barely make a ham sandwich without supervision.

I’m up to my eyeballs in bad indie porn.

There is no fatwa on Karl Rove’s head.

I cannot issue fatwas myself.

My dogs cannot knit sweaters from their sheddings.

Ray Freaking Bradbury was awarded the National Medal of Arts.

As for today, you know my philosophy: if it can’t be bought on eBay or at a liquor store, it ain’t gettin’ given.

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On Feb. 20, after seeing televised images of some of the gay weddings in San Francisco, [Cambodia’s] King Sihanouk commented on his Web site, www.norodomsihanouk.info [direct link to post here], that as a “liberal democracy” Cambodia should allow “marriage between man and man…or between woman and woman.” On Feb. 26, King Sihanouk followed up with a letter in which he disagreed that God absolutely opposes “gays”; rather, he wrote, “God, like Buddha, is compassion, indulgence, non-discrimination.”

—Pacific News Service

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Yiddish / Southern

Chutzpah / Gumption

Mishegas / Hogwash

Gornischt / Squat

Ongepatcheket / Citified

Knosh / Pick

Futzing / Piddlin’

Mensch / Good Ol’ Boy

Bubbeh / Mamaw

Oy gevalt! / Christ on a cracker!

And there’s more where that came from. Yo, check it.

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Davies, whose 9-year-old son and 4-year-old daughter attend Spurger Elementary, said she viewed the day not a silly Homecoming Week activity, but as an effort to push a homosexual agenda in a public school.

“It’s like experimenting with drugs,” said Davies, who also has a 2-year-old daughter. “You just keep playing with it and it becomes customary. … If it’s OK to dress like a girl today, then why is it not OK in the future?”

—Houston Chronicle, courtesy of Gerald

Dear Middle America:

What the fu@k is wrong with you? Could you please lighten up a little? Or did that god of yours forget to give you and your ill-bred, inbred, porn-loving ilk a sense of humor?

If something doesn’t happen soon, I’m coming after you. Or maybe not you. Maybe your friends, your family, your co-workers. You’ll awake one day to a fresh pot of coffee and shuffle to the front door to retrieve the morning paper and there I’ll be: featured on the cover (above the fold, of course), standing on the steps of your small-town city hall, drenched in the blood of innocents, pistols in both hands, shooting in vain at the dozens, if not hundreds, of armed policemen who have been summoned to subdue me.

And I’m not kidding.

Really. Not. Kidding.

It’s not exactly “love thy neighbor,” but then, neither is “god hates fags.”

Kisses,
Richard

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If there were ever a party-giving smack-down between Dorothy Draper and Elsa Maxwell, my money would clearly be on Elsie: she was a loud, obnoxious, aggressively unattractive social climber who had nowhere to go but up–and up she went, by hook and crook. Luckily, the same folks who reissued Dot’s Entertaining Is Fun! will soon be turning out Elsie’s chef d’oeuvre How To Do It (not to be confused with Jean-Paul Gaultier’s late 80s foray into house music entitled “How To Do That”), so the next time you’re entertaining heads of state and Hollywood A-listers, you’ll know just where to turn.

In honor of la Maxwell, here’s a recipe from that book: Rosalind Russell‘s version of veal in sour cream. If you’re not hung-up about keeping kosher and you happen to have a spare asbestos mat lying around the kitchen, give it a try–and do let me know how it turns out…

VEAL IN SOUR CREAM
(six servings)

Cook 6 pieces of bacon in a large frying pan and set bacon aside. Brown 3 pounds of boneless stew veal in the bacon fat. Cook 1/2 pound of sliced mushrooms and 2 large onions, chopped, in same fat. Mix 1 cup of white wine with 1 cup of sour cream. Put veal, mushrooms, and onions in buttered casserole. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Pour on wine and cream. Crumble bacon over top. Simmer, covered, 1 and 1/2 hours, either in a 325-degree oven or on top of the stove over a low flame with an asbestos mat under the casserole. For variety, a good addition is 1 and 1/4 pounds boiled ham, diced and browned with the vegetables. In that case, skip the bacon and use other bacon fat.

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I’m not much of a poetry person. It attracts too many awful writers. Poetry is a genre that’s easy to work in, and even easier to work in badly. There isn’t a college sophomore in America who hasn’t read T. S. Eliot or Langston Hughes and scurried back to his dorm room to pen a regrettable sonnet about love or loss or loneliness. English teachers, I entreat you to warn them all: “It looks easy, but it’s more difficult than writing a novel!”

Now there are, of course, exceptions, and Rita Dove is perhaps the most significant. I was introduced to her work during my undergraduate years–back when she was the US poet laureate–and I was instantly smitten. Her poems are concise but breathtakingly deep; narrative but enticingly abstract; approachable but full of meaning that’s never fully unveiled. Shortly after that first encounter, she visited my campus, and I did the unthinkable.

I wrote a poem to Rita Dove.

Yes, I too fell prey to the lure of weighty, maudlin verse–blank verse, even. I pored over a page full of verbs and adjectives so pregnant with meaning they could’ve birthed quadruplets. After a day of wordsmithing, I typed up my opus, and I sent it to her. Ugh. Just thinking about it makes me cringe (not unlike a few other things I’ve mentioned before). She was kind enough to write back–and with a very personalized letter, too–but I could tell from the tone she was all, like, “That’s cute and everything, but why don’t you just leave the poetry writing to me?”

Luckily for all concerned, I found other outlets for my alleged creativity, and Rita kept writing. Now she’s got a new book on the shelves, and apparently, it’s stunning. If it’s anything like her previous work, I highly recommend including it on your list of holiday gifts.

As a special bonus, here’s one of my favorites. It’s perhaps an odd choice for a guy–especially a gay guy–but there you are…

Medusa

I’ve got to go

down where my eye

can’t reach

hairy star

who forgets to shiver

forgets the cool suck

inside

Someday long

off someone will

see me

fling me up

until I hook

into sky

drop his memory

My hair

dry water

—from Grace Notes

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After much trial and error, after months of experimentation both fruitless and fruitful (and, it goes without saying, fruity), I have finally done it: I have cracked the secret code of the contemporary culinary elite! I and I alone will reveal to you the master plan by which modern chefs operate! Though contemporary menus appear complex to the everyday observer, to trained eyes such as my own, they consist of a finite number of ingredients, ordered by a facile mix-and-match formula so as to appear random and exotic.

The process is simple: in each category, match one item from column A with an item from column B. By the time you reach the bottom, you’re ready to work as a sous chef at Balthazar. Bon apetit, my dears…

Take an entree of…

A
Venison
Sweetbread
Cardoon
Squab
Capon
Lamb’s tongue
Leek

B
flambe
a la poulette
meuniere
fricassee
en brochette
croquettes
kabobs

…and serve it with…

A
Wasabi
Cardamom
Juniper
Madeira
Fennel
Anise
Pine bark

B
aioli
reduction
chutney
catsup
succotash
marmalade
moutarde

…alongside a demitasse of…

A
Hare’s liver
Giblet
Eel
Loganberry
Chicory blossom
Rhubarb
Quince

B
pie
ravioli
bruschetta
ratatouille
porridge
Charlotte
tartlette

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Well, that was fun. Perhaps a little too fun, to judge from my throbbing head and general wooziness. If I didn’t have such a lot of crap to do today, I’d go right back to bed.

I don’t have any clips of Necromania to post for those who weren’t there, but I can provide a couple of animation dealios to get your day started with a big ol’ “WTF?!?” You can thank me later.

  • thing one
  • thing two
  • Links courtesy of Michael

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    TO DO LIST

    All right, people, you’ve got three assignments today:

    1. Emboldened by their victories on November 2, evangelical Christians suddenly think they’re all 800-pound gorillas. Eight-hundred pounds they may be–what with the copious amount of deep-fried Twinkies they consume–but that doesn’t give them license to bully the rest of America. (They should leave such things to their dear Commander-in-Chief.) In particular:

    • The American Family Association is pushing hard against Procter & Gamble, alleging that the company is inherently evil for promoting tolerance in its workplace and advertising on shows that reach its desired customers. Counteract the AFA boycott by calling P & G Chairman A.G. Lafley at 513 983 1100 and telling him that you support their endeavors to promote equality and will continue to buy P & G products. Encourage your friends and family to do the same.
    • The AFA is also working hard to nix Senator Phil Arlen Specter, a rare voice of Republican reason, from leading the Senate Judiciary Committee. Please call your senator–especially if s/he is on this list–and urge them to support Senator Specter’s bid for chairmanship. If you don’t know how to reach your senator, visit www.congress.org for email and phone information. [Thanks, Tyler, for the correction. Apparently, I had rock and/or roll on my mind this morning.]

    2. On a less politically divisive note, if you’re in New Orleans this evening, why not join the [allegedly] cool kids for a screening of Ed Wood’s long-lost porn film Necromania at 8:00pm at One Eyed Jacks, 615 Toulouse Street? You can enjoy a beer, a smoke, and a host of other vices as the boyfriend proves once and for all that Mr. Wood may not be the worst director of all time, but he’s surely the most demented.