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MY FAVORITE ITEM FROM TODAY’S PICAYUNE

The mystery of what caused the death of a 46-year-old man and a 57-year-old woman found in the rear of a home at 3124 Orleans Avenue was solved today when an autopsy revealed the two died of stab wounds….

“There were more than 10 stab wounds in each body,” [investigator John] Gagliano said.

Police Wednesday said the bodies were too badly decomposed to determine their identities or the cause of death.

–full ridiculousness at NOLA.com

Now, I know I’m not Quincy MD or anything, but how badly can a body decompose in 24 freakin’ hours? And even if the bodies were a little melty-melty, wouldn’t ten knife-sized bloody holes in someone’s t-shirt give the officers a clue?

Today’s other humdinger of a headline: House votes to repeal helmet law for motorcyclists.

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IN CASE YOU FORGOT. SOMEHOW.

ONE NIGHT ONLY!

TONIGHT: WEDNESDAY, MAY 21 at 8PM

ONE EYED JACKS, 615 TOULOUSE STREET

Special raffle to benefit the Lisa Picone Wig Fund!

LIMITED SEATING • ALL TICKETS $25
CLICK HERE TO ORDER TICKETS NOW
OR CALL 504 606 9903

Running With Scissors’ cast of cut-ups return to their juvenile and delinquent roots for a one-night-only staged reading of the cult classic Reform School Girls. Seating is limited for this special event—the company’s annual fundraiser—so make your reservations early!

Reform School Girls tells the story of Jenny Williams, a good girl with bad taste in men who lands at Pridemore Juvenile Facilities. It’s a rough and tumble world inside those cinderblock walls, filled with potential friends and even more potential enemies—notably leather-clad Charlie, lecherous Nurse Edna, and domineering ultravixen, Warden Sutter (played by punk rocker Wendy O. Williams, Warhol girl Pat Ast, and cult queen Sybil Danning, respectively, in the film). Will Jenny survive on The Inside? And how many will perish under Edna’s evil reign? Join Brad Caldwell, Bob Edes, Jr., Donald Lewis, Jack Long, Sean Patterson, Brian Peterson, Lisa Picone, Dorian Rush, Cammie West, and Liz Zibilich to find out!

Also that night: Running With Scissors will host an awesome raffle, with fabulous prizes! Proceeds will benefit company member Lisa Picone (she’s in chemo, y’all, and those wigs ain’t cheap!). That means you can support two great causes in one lil’ ol’ evening!

CLICK HERE TO ORDER TICKETS NOW!

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TUESDAYS ARE WHERE YOU FILL IN THE BLANKS

GR: Big Bertha was so fat–

AUDIENCE: How fat was she?

GR: Big Bertha was so fat that she ________ed a _____________.

Nipsey, what say you?

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THINGS TO LOVE ABOUT NEW ORLEANS

#297: This video from WDSU, which is a follow-up to the drag queen/burglar item I posted last Thursday. In many places, this report would devolve into a string of smirks, winks, and gay jokes, but in New Orleans? Nothing but (ahem) straight faces debating the merits of high-end wigs. You go on with your stoic self, Norman Robinson.

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Cracker (I’m a)
Cracker (I'm a)

En route to the second of four fundraisers I’m putting together in the space of two weeks. (So many, many funds.) Normally I’d have worn my seersucker, but I decided to go gay instead. Er, gayer.

They grow up so quickly, don’t they?
They grow up so quickly, don't they?

The little ones’ new favorite perch. Although this was taken a couple of days ago, and I haven’t seen ’em since. Perhaps they have flown the proverbial coop.

FYI: despite my recent ornithophilia, I am not yet Tony Soprano. (See above for proof.)

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IN THE NEWS TODAY

1. Another of New Orleans’ cross-dressing thugs visited Burger King for an early morning order of fries and a supersize bag of Benjamins. But this guy hit new lows: he got into the store by crawling through the drive-up window. If you’re gonna knock over a BK in drag, you should at least have the balls to walk through the front door–not to mention, put on a little ladyface:

Employees said they were not free to comment on the incident, referring any questions to the store’s owner.

But one employee, who saw the security camera footage, said that since the suspect made the effort to dress the part of a woman, he should not have halfhearted it.

“He should’ve gone to the spa first,” the employee said.

—full story at NOLA.com

In the guy’s defense, though, it was Mother’s Day, so maybe he needed the cash to take his mom to the spa after brunch.

2. I’ve loved Cintra Wilson since she first appeared on MTV’s Liquid Television as the creator of Winter Steele. These days, she’s less about sock puppets and more about socks in general, as one of the New York Times‘ two “Critical Shoppers”. In today’s Style Section, la Wilson visits the Lacroix boutique and comes up with one of the most fabulously bizarre paragraphs I’ve read in recent weeks:

One particular gown stood out: a sleeveless white silk sheath with an elaborate print ($3,400) that said, “I am Basquiat in hell, forced to endure a Sisyphean nursery school where I trace my hand and paint multilegged monster turkeys and get an F, forever. Then these discarded paintings end up on earth as formal wear for rich women.”

—full story at the NYTimes

3. Also in the Times: residents of Chicago can eat foie gras again! Legally!

4. Gaming site SteamPowered.com just released the results of its recent online computing survey, and although gamers usually fall into the “early adopter” category, over 80% of SteamPowered’s visitors are still using Windows XP, compared to the 14.95% using Vista. Even more shocking: according to Rock, Paper, Shotgun, the Vista figures have shrunk since November, when they were at 16.91%. Which only confirms what John Hodgman and I already knew.

5. Just noted on the WDSU severe weather report: there’s a town on the north shore of Lake Pontchartrain called Uneedus:

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Petition: Keep the National Guard in New Orleans

I know, I know: another petition. It seems like I’ve been posting an undue amount of dry, political stuff lately, but to be honest, this is pretty freaking important. For the past few years, the National Guard has helped maintain a semblance of order on the streets of New Orleans. No, it ain’t Disney World (thank goddess), but without the extra manpower, the situation could’ve been far worse.

Unfortunately, the National Guard doesn’t serve for free, and Jindal wants to pull out the troops next month. Keep in mind, he’s doing this at exactly the same time that lawmakers are (a) debating what to do with a projected surplus in the state budget and (b) planning to eliminate the state income tax.

I mean, no, really, that’s fine, Bobby: New Orleans is only the state’s goddamn economic engine, so what does it matter if you wreck it? As Katrina showed everyone, the state can hobble along without us just great.

Fucktard.

The National Guard

is scheduled to leave NOLA in June! Take 5 to
Help Us Keep Them in the City!
Crime rates across
the city have skyrocketed since Hurricane Katrina. Murder rates have spiked, and assaults and burglaries are
up. Meanwhile, the police shortage makes NOPD patrols in the
storm-affected areas, especially in the Lower Ninth Ward and eastern
New Orleans, nearly non-existent. It also pushes response times to
911 calls to an hour or more.

Citizens for 1

Greater New Orleans is supporting
the Holy Cross Neighborhood Association in their efforts to
keep the Louisiana
National Guard in New Orleans until the following goals are
achieved:

  • NOPD sub stations are rebuilt and re-staffed in all the
    storm-affected areas of the city.
  • The number of NOPD officers reaches pre-storm levels.
  • FBI crime statistics show a decrease in violent crime
    rates.
To date, they have only received 2300
signatures with a deadline to acquire 10,000 by June
2008.  It is imperative that you let your voice
be heard!

Take 5

Minutes To:

Thank you for your attention to this urgent matter.