Standard

So…hmm…it feels like I should say something, doesn’t it?

Um, happy new year…and stuff.

Don’t take any wooden nickels…

Don’t let the bedbugs bite….

Jeez. I’m just so damn exhausted from the visits from bio-mom and bio-sis and the in-laws and the trekking to Mississippi to visit my own family and the gift-giving and the get-togethers–including the party we’re having here tonight–and the show that wouldn’t freaking end (which unfortunately featured two performances of yours truly in mufti), I can hardly speak, much less type.

I’m going back to bed.

Standard

Here’s the problem: values don’t matter. Yes, we say they do, we say they’re guiding principles and whatnot. And I guess they are for some people–people who work for nonprofits, for example, or religious zealouts.

But when it comes to big issues–war, foreign policy, law, even personal issues like divorce and pet ownership–it all comes down to economics. Or, at the most basic level, power.

We go to war, not because we feel a moral obligation to do so, but because our financial interests are at stake–otherwise, why haven’t we gone to war with North Korea, Iran, or even China for that matter? Our international aid policy is based less on a moral obligation to help developing nations than on preemptive economic and military strategies–note, for example, our sudden interest in AIDS in Africa, which promises to cause serious civil strife in the coming decades if not aggressively addressed now. And how many men and women stay in relationships they don’t enjoy simply because they lack the financial wherewithal to strike out on their own?

I know this is all old hat, but maybe you’ve had a similar experience in which the truth of a cliche has suddenly, startlingly struck home. That’s what happened to me about five minutes ago, watching a clip of Bush talking about our “duty” to the Iraqi people and our responsibility to the less fortunate people of the world, when we all know good and damn well that this war was about (a) oil, (b) vendetta, (c) military defense, and perhaps (d) Islamophobia. Otherwise, we’d be out waging wars in Myanmar and helping the zillions of homeless in places like Calcutta and Rio de Janiero. And all of a sudden, it became so clear to me: ethical standards are the shiny veneer we put on base, calculating, money-driven decisions to make them more palatable (and comprehensible) to others.

So from now on, I’m making an effort to cut emotion and ethics out of my decision-making process. As Lisa Simpson so aptly put it, “No one ever went hungry taking the low moral ground.”

On another note: I can’t believe they’re calling it the goddamned Freedom Tower. I mean, I’m all for corn and kitch and all, but that’s just plain awful.

Standard

Could y’all please take a just minute out of your busy, busy day to skew a “scientific survey” being conducted by the American Family Association? Think of it as a little holiday present for me. One that you don’t have to pay for. And that I’ll never see… Wait a minute. Where’s the upside of that?

Standard

I hatehatehate cold weather, but I lovelovelove this time of year. Let me tell you, sugarpie, there ain’t nothin’ better than getting home as the sun’s going down, taking a long, hot bath, donning your best peek-a-boo peignoir, slipping into some big Zsa Zsa-style fuzzy princess slippers, sauntering to the kitchen like a stone cold fox, and standing in the open door of the icebox, devouring meat from a perfectly seasoned chicken carcass with your bare hands (well, bare except for a tasteful assortment of cocktail rings). Then, you can slink to the sofa for a nice, full-bellied nap ’till it’s time for bed.

Or you can get up off your lazy ass and do something about Bill Frist and his army of flying monkeys.

Standard

Leftie Art Fag Speaks Out

To Whom It May Concern:

It’s impossible for me to believe that the editors of Budget Travel magazine

would label Bob Richer’s recent Letter to the Editor as bona fide travel

advice for New York City! Elsewhere, we’re encouraged to spend big bucks for Broadway/Disney schlock, but then

Mr. Richer (and presumably the editors who allowed his letter to be posted

to the Budget Travel website) asks us to short-change what is arguably the

most important museum in America–if not the world–by a measly $7?!? What

kind of crap is that?

At $12, the Met is the best value in town, hands down. I mean, would you

rather spend $12 for a day’s worth of art and architecture amid the

beauty of Central Park or $60 for two hours trapped in Miss

Saigon‘s musty ol’ theatre waiting for a helicopter to crash through the freaking roof?

Standard

i always just called it the 'high-five' kitty

No one who’s met me could possibly think I’m a cat person. I’ve so clearly

got the dog personality: frisky, punchy, amped (at least while the sun’s

out). Except on rare occasions, I don’t enjoy lounging about doing nothing

or causing trouble just for the hell of it.

Furthermore, despite what some folks may say

about their wily ways and our foolish, misguided attempts to anthropomorphize

them, dogs seem pretty transparent to me: what you see is what you get. As

we all know, however, cats are just plain sneaky and aren’t to be

trusted–except, of course, for the one cat we all love, <a

href=”http://www.amy.hi-ho.ne.jp/~mono93/cat/english/index_e.html&#8221;

target=”m” title=”dude, what the hell is up with the ‘dance’ page?”>Maneki

Neko.

Standard

I fully expect those of you living in New Orleans–and those passing through during the holidays–to drop in and set a spell with all your favorite trailer park friends. And as an added bonus, if you come tonight or Friday the 19th, you’ll catch lil’ ol moi making a surprise appearance. Onstage, even. Guess who I’ll be playing….

* * *

On another note, has anyone else been wondering what Tama Janowitz was doing these days?