Today’s genius worthy of serious, stone-cold worship: Christoper Durang. This afternoon, I reread Titanic, and I was really astonished that I’d forgotten how funny it is.
Case in point: Lidia, the Captain’s roughly 13 year-old daughter, is wandering about the ship’s dining room and suddenly plops down beside Teddy (a 20 year-old dressed as though he’s 14).
LIDIA: I used to keep a hedgehog up my vagina. (Pause.) But my parents made me stop because I kept feeding it in public. I think that’s being fussy. (Pause.) I got a funny disease from the hedgehog. They thought it was Dutch elm disease, but it wasn’t. After a while, I got a reputation, and then none of the boys would sleep with me. (Pause.) I used to bring lesbians on for a while, and they all had to get rabies shots. Am I boring you?
…
Could I borrow some of your lettuce?
TEDDY: Yes
LIDIA: Thank you. (She puts it up her dress.) I have a couple of hamsters in there now, and do they make a mess! (Keeps feeding hamsters. Fairly long pause.) My gynecologist runs the other way when he sees me coming. (She smiles.)
With all my laughing-to-the-point-of-sobbing, I’m sure the neighbors thought something awful had happened.
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