Dear Steve:
Thank you for your correspondence, but we regret to inform you that Ms. Ciccone has been dead for some time now. She suffered near fatal injuries during the filming of Dick Tracy, and although she made a jaw-dropping recovery around the time of Erotica‘s release, she soon experienced a massive relapse. She was so weak by the time Alan Parker chose her for the lead in Evita, we all knew death would not be long for her. She died at the wrap party for that film in a freak mehendi poisoning. The case is still under investigation, so we are not at liberty to discuss the particulars, but signs currently point to a disgruntled woman who auditioned for a walk-on part as an elephant seal in the “Cherish” video, was rejected, and then later acquired a position as a chambermaid in Ms. Ciccone’s home under an assumed name.
Thankfully, Ms. Ciccone’s forward-thinking backers had planned for just such an incident and hired Regina Belle at a much reduced rate (she isn’t working much these days, now is she?) to sing new material, and brought on Debbie/Deborah Gibson to serve as a body double for a limited number of live performances. Of course, most of Ms. Ciccone’s appearances these days are on video, made from splicings of old footage and new, digitally enhanced work, based on Ms. Gibson’s languid movements in a specially designed electronic catsuit. We are unfamiliar with the specifics of this process, but the results have been very impressive, have they not?
Of course, this is all classified information, and it is given with the understanding that you will keep it private. Should you choose to violate this implied agreement, let us just say that (a) we know where you live, and (b) little Lourdes has taken very well to her private handgun lessons. We hope you gather our meaning.
Thinking of you during this time of grief, we remain,
Carlisle, Martika, & Hoffs, Partners in Law
sturtle [dot] com 