Dear Al:
I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but you are so not a public speaker. Policy maker? Sure. Able to see the big picture? Absolutely. General all-around smart guy? You’re that and more, baby. Capable of delivering a rousing speech by feeding off the energy of thousands of audience members and the national zeitgeist, whipping the proponents of democracy into a frothy, heady foam? Um, no.
Nice tie, though.
In my humble opinion, Al, you would have done much better to shorten that speech by about 20 minutes so you could give the audience some time to respond. I mean, what were you thinking? Your fans were giving you love, and you railroaded right over them! Have you never watched The Carol Burnett Show? Laugh In? Dame Edna? You’d make a good, solid, patriotic point that brought everyone to their feet clapping and cheering, but then you’d just raise your voice and keep talking. Carol would never do that.
Yeah, sure, I know, this was your big moment and you needed to get in all your points, but you could’ve fit ’em into a half-hour speech, right? If you can’t at least be that succint, you’re in the wrong business, honey. Then you would have had time to let the ovations roll. But what did you do? You had to drone on and on, reiterating the nation’s perception of you as an automaton. Shields and Yarnell doing the robot thing were looser than you were last night.
President Bush. President Bush. President Bush. I don’t wanna have to get used to saying that, but frankly, you’re his best secret weapon. Go back to Tennessee, sit in the back row of a Baptist church, and watch the preacher work the crowd. Or at least let that former banjee-girl from Kenner who’s serving as your campaign manager show you how to work the cobra neck. Seriously. Before it’s too late.
–Your faithful servant,
Richard
P.S. I hope you’re not mad. I mean, I’d still fuck you. You’ll have to take that rod out, though.
sturtle [dot] com 