Another little something from The Magazine That Never Happened:
FAKE Magazine: Personals
Work me!
Sandy Duncan in the wheat field can’t hold a candle to me! I am all that, honey, and a 25¢ drink–and a toothpick when you’re done. 39 y.o., chocolate-flavored lover, feminine above, masculine below. I’m all you need, so do me, daddy! No gay men. (As if you’d even think about it after you laughed at me falling down the steps at that A-list party last week. All I gotta say is, at least I got paid for going to that lame-ass party, gymboy motherfucker–you know who you are!)
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Cut Me Open!
DWF, former mannequin, undergoing painful separation from world-class magician. Seeks swarthy M for fun and games. Watersports OK. Fluent in 12 tongues. I mean it.
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Let’s Skip Breakfast Together
BM seeks lovin’ on the side. Late middle age, former songwriter, wants to please any interested young women. Well-built, attractive, very few facial scars. Love fine cars, good wine, passion. Dislike contemporary music, jealousy, grits.
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I Swallow!
DWF, 67, recently widowed, lonely. I make a mean bruchellone, boys! 38″ 26″ 38″ and it’s all real! Come and give me a whirl! No drinkers–I swore on my husband’s grave I’d never marry an alcoholic because that’s how he passed, you know, drank himself to death. I won’t let that happen again! If you drink, you stink! Stay away! Vamoose! All others considered regardless of race, age, or religion (as long as you’re Catholic).
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Spicy Girl Sandwich!
GM couple seek woman for first-time encounter. #1: 22yo, bi, 6′, 175, tattoos, brown/brown (blond highlights); #2: 58yo, gay, 5’7″, 132, businessman, grey/bald/blue, clean-shaven. #2 needs a woman because he’s terminally ill–not contagious!–and wants to have the experience. #1 will serve as leader. Be open-minded, patient, attractive, under 60, with nice feet. No men dressed as women, please.
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Que Sera, Seance
Recently deceased, bi-curious SWF seeks soulmate for the afterlife. Enjoy hovering silently above my two children, hiding things in former husband’s study, misplacing mother-in-law’s tiara. No drinkers. Swarthy Mediterranean types a +.
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Worship at My Temple!
SJF, 34, 6’3″, writer/equestrienne, seeks same for fun and profit. Or games, if you prefer–ha! Natural blondes a +, and don’t think I won’t be able to tell, you. I like long, lazy walks, picnics, stilt-walking, and, occasionally, wrestling. Recent episiotomy, so we’ll have to take it slow. No men! This means you! Yes, you! Please bathe.
sturtle [dot] com 