I have awakened, no longer the short-sighted, nebbishy putz that you know. No, today, I am lucid, enlightened.

I am Dionne Warkwick, and I am clairvoyant. I see things about your future, and I will share them with you.

I see brown, a vast soupy sea of brown. Coffee, perhaps. Or poorly made gumbo. You will ingest this brown, then get very queasy. Then everything will be all right.

Your lunch, it bores me. I will skip it.

Later in the afternoon, you will hear me on the radio and think, “Where is Dionne right now?” I am right here, you fool! Talking to you! I know all! I see all! I sing all! Do not doubt my authority!

Ah, that reminds me of the time Sammy and Soupy and I were playing a joint engagement at Caesar’s, and we got to this one point in a Humperdinck medley, and I don’t remember who did it–it think it was Soupy, but don’t quote me on that–and he just went off. I mean off, girl. He started singing that Neil Diamond pot smokin’ song and Sammy and I–or maybe Soupy and I–didn’t know what to do, so we just joined right in, and that was the biggest standing ovation we ever, ever received! And I owe it all to marijuana.

Thank you, Secaucus, you’ve been a great audience! I’m here all week…

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