Answer the following multiple-choice question.
Today is:
___ (a) My friend Lesley’s 30-somethingth birthday.
___ (b) The feast day for several uninteresting saints.
___ (c) Tax day.
If you answered “a,” you’re obviously a close, personal friend, and I haven’t heard from you in months. Drop me a line and send Lesley a gift. Now.
If you answered “b,” you’re obviously a devout papist. Move to north Mississippi and attend tent revivals until you feel an affinity for Protestantism. Celebrate your new-found freedom by marrying your cousin or sodomizing an over-ripe piece of fruit (e.g. a week-old watermelon, not Nathan Lane before his morning shower).
If you answered “c,” you’re obviously the sort of anal-retentive fopdoodle who gets anxious when things aren’t done in a timely fashion. Do us all a favor: fake an illness at work, dump your numerous projects in someone else’s lap, go home, guzzle a 12-pack in the bedroom while listening to Aldo Nova (just that one album) cranked up to ten on the stereo, then pass out in the hammock out back.
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