I lied: I will draw upon my astounding auguring abilities to make a baker’s dozen of prophecies for 2005. Or, in homie-speak, I’m gonna drop some crystal ball shit on yo’ ass, bitches, so listen up:
1. Sally Struthers will visit you–perhaps in a dream, perhaps in person–and suggest a new career in TV/VCR repair.
2. You will experience a severe hangover, after which you will maintain a vow of alcoholic absitinence for up to 48 hours.
3. Efforts to befriend the six billion people who are strangers to you will meet with only limited success.
4. You will add salt, according to taste.
5. You will be reminded on more than one occasion that, contrary to Woody Allen’s opinion, there are, in fact, bad orgasms.
6. You will see a hint of logic in Bush administration policies, which will thrill and/or terrify you.
7. Three people who have visited your neighborhood will die.
8. You will know hunger, pain, sadness, longing, and a curious mix of passion, hatred, and nausea.
9. You will cut your fingernails too short.
10. You will reach a point at which you believe things are finally under control, but the moment will pass.
11. Green will surpass orange, pink, and slate gray as the new black.
12. You will lather and rinse, but not repeat.
13. Nicole Richie who?
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