Five Things I Wish I Had Right Now
1. More valium, just in case the flight home is as nasty as the one that got us here.
2. Something else to read on the plane, because what I got ain’t cutting the moutarde.
3. The words to describe some of the more atrocious performances I’ve been forced to endure this weekend, including–I kid you not–“Almost Heaven: Songs and Stories of John Denver,” which featured “sparkling new arrangements of his best-known ballads and some surprising discoveries. A 14-member ensemble explores the work of the internationally acclaimed songwriter.” Forget about artistic merit: exploring John Denver is like offering a thoughful critique of marshmallows.
4. The words to describe some of the more sublime performance I’ve been fortunate enough to witness, including–I kid you not–dance that brought half a tear to my normally dry, jaundiced eye.
5. A sliver of ham to hurl from our window on the 27th floor of the Hilton before we check out, because I’d like to see it smack a secretary on the head, then watch her look around wildly, screaming, “Who threw that? Who threw that ham at me?”
sturtle [dot] com 