In response to yesterday’s lament about being the only dick in the office, I got this from a close personal friend, who, as fate would have it, is also a homosexual among women. He, too, is tired of being asked to change lightbulbs and empty garbage cans and deal with rude customers, because, as he says…
I’m a big ol’ FAGGITY-FAG-FAG-FAG!! Aggressive people make me all trembly and a-twitter! I don’t want to go tell those Junior Latin Kings to get their aggressive, ready-to-kick-my-faggity-face-in feet off the table! If the 200-pound, big, stinky crazy man drops off to sleep in the Reference Room and is drooling on the almanac he’s using as a pillow, then I say let sleeping whack-jobs lie! Don’t expect me to move ’em, sistah! I’m busy touching up my mascara, and cutting out feltboard bears for storytime.
And another thing — ALL MEN IN THE PUBLIC LIBRARY PROFESSION ARE FAGS! ALL OF US!! EVERY LAST LITTLE POKE-BONNETED, SAUSAGE-CURLED, NELLY-OLSEN ONE OF US!! Sure, we shave our heads and grow goatees, but that’s just to appear like wise, monk-like functionaries of a dusty, papery deity with three searching eyes and the head of an owl. We’re eunuchs, people! And any man in the library profession who takes issue with me and tells me that he’s all man and that I’m all wet has only forced himself to forget the day he gave ’em up to the man with the cord and the scalpel. Me, I keep mine in an olive jar in the freezer. How about you, Mr. Vin Diesel in Cataloguing? Top drawer of the nightstand, sugah? In a sequined sachet? Next to your dog-eared paperback copy of Valley of the Dolls?
What’s my point in this diatribe? To have it acknowledged at last that I am not a man. Not a taciturn, burly unit of muscle and dominance, willing to do security duty, tote boxes up and down stairs, climb up on a ladder to change a fluorescent light rod, nor haul away stacks of sooty newspapers. Nor yet am I a woman. As a gay librarian, I want it understood at last that I AM A LADY!!
All said in the manner of Lady Emily Howard, of course.
And yes, like all librarians, he drinks a lot of coffee. Does it show?
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