You know on the evening news when they start talking about America’s Big Fat Problem and they run hidden camera footage of overweight people–shot from the neck down, to be polite–wearing ill-fitting clothes and typically in the process of doing the very things that have made them fat in the first place, like smoking or chugging beer or wolfing down a couple dozen krullers? I sometimes wonder if those people ever come home and flip on the news and see those reports and get all, like, “Hey, I was wearing a tie-dyed muumuu just like that today! And I had a Dolly Madison apple pie at lunch, too! What in the world is going on… Omigod. Omigod. Herb, are you in there? Herb, come look at this… Never mind, it’s over now… Well, I…I was on the news. And I looked so fat! Am I really that fat? Herb, tell me, honestly: am I fat? …Omigod, how did I get so fat?!”
That, ladies and gentlemen, is one of my greatest fears–and one that will almost certainly come to pass before I die. I won’t be targeted because I’m super-overweight (though decades of beignet consumption have taken their toll, believe me), but because I’m gay. Like, obviously gay. As in, half-blind grandmothers from Des Moines can tell I’m a homo just by hearing Nina Totenberg read a description of me. That gay.
The story will go like this:
In the news today: scientists at Johns Hopkins University have determined that gay men are the leading cause of global warming.
CUT TO FOOTAGE OF A 20-SOMETHING LABEL WHORE IN SANDALS, LEATHER PANTS, AND A VERSACE TOP FLOUNCING DOWN CASTRO, HIS BANGLE-BOUND HAND REACHING UP TO PULL A TANGLE OF FROSTED LOCKS FROM HIS ARTFULLY KOHL-RIMMED EYES.
According to preliminary results from the study, gay men cause greater damage to the environment than coal emissions and cow flatulence combined.
CUT TO FOOTAGE OF SOME OLD QUEEN ADDING NON-FAT LOW-CARB SOY TO HIS TRIPLE DECAF VEGETARIAN MOCHALATTAFONDUCINO, GRABBING HIS OVERSIZED SEPHORA SHOPPING BAG, AND STUMBLING OUT OF STARBUCKS INTO A TASTEFULLY AND INDIRECTLY LIT SUNSET ON 8TH AVENUE.
In a news conference broadcast live at 12:00pm Eastern time, President Bush said that he was pleased with the study’s findings, and suggested that a quick and easy solution to the problem was at hand.
CUT TO FOOTAGE OF ME ON FAT TUESDAY AFTERNOON, IN STACKED HEELS, A CORSET, LAYER UPON LAYER OF FAUX PRINCESS CUT DIAMONDS, AND VERY LITTLE ELSE, CARRYING A SAFARI UMBRELLA IN ONE HAND AND TWO PBR’S IN THE OTHER, SNAGGING MY FOOT ON AN ABANDONED CHICKEN FEATHER BOA, AND STUMBLING HEADLONG INTO A GUTTER ON ST. ANNE STREET, TRYING IN VAIN TO HIDE MY SUN-RAVAGED FACE FROM THE NEWS CAMERA WITH A SWEAT-SOAKED RAINBOW-TONED MANTILLA.
In an unrelated story, later this afternoon Bush announced the first-ever government-sanctioned celebration of gay pride. All gay men and lesbians should proceed immediately to the docks in Washington, DC, to board a series of navy vessels that have been procured for a complimentary Antarctic cruise. Adolph Nuremberg, chairman of the host committee, said that the party is come-as-you-are and will feature Kool-Aid socials, oven-roasted cuisine, and communal showers… And now over to Betty for a look at your weekend weather.
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