Dear Non-Denominational Pagan Gift Man (aka Santa):
Thank you so much for the lovely sweater you brought last week. The paisley pattern is very colorful, and the wool adds an exotic element to my wardrobe. When New Orleans is eventually picked up and moved whole-hog to its new, hurricane-proof location outside Indianapolis, I’ll be sure to wear it proudly. (Just out of curiosity, did you know I have an Amazon wishlist?)
I saw on the evening news that you made it safely back to your industrial complex at the North Pole. I assume it’s still on firm-ish ground–though given the recent environmental troubles in your neck o’ the woods, I can’t be sure. Global warming’s a bitch, isn’t it?
Anyway, the real reason I’m writing today is to chat about your Naughty/Nice List for 2007. You see, as a non-resident of Our Fair City, there are a number of things of which you’re probably unaware–nuances and other small details which could prove crucial to your gift-bringing endeavors 51 weeks from now. Some might call it tattling, and others might call it poisoning the well, but I prefer to think of the following tidbits as morsels of heartfelt, unsolicited advice. For instance…
Ray Nagin doesn’t actually live here. We think he’s got a little place in Jamaica, but that’s only conjecture. However, the smoky fragrances wafting from beneath his office door lend credence to the idea.
In 12 months, Entergy probably won’t live here either. That’s okay by us–they only provide half-assed service to half the city anyway. I tell you what: why don’t you take the money you would’ve spent making new golf clubs for Dan Packer and buy everyone in Orleans Parish a solar panel kit and a wind turbine? We’ll take it from there.
Nagin’s publicist, Ceeon Quiett, may be a fictional character. I mean, c’mon, Santa: I know we’ve got some weird names around here, but that’s beyond the pale. Plus, a drag queen with whom I used to work at Lucky Cheng’s told me that the letters in Ceeon’s name can be rearranged to spell “Screw y’all, I’m goin’ to Vegas” in Tagalog. Maybe Nagin’s trying to tell us something.
Given their impressive list of accomplishments in 2006, the Saints deserve a “Nice List” pass for 2007. In fact, Drew Brees and Reggie Bush been so superlatively good, I think you should give them a little bit of me next December 25. It will be a sacrifice on my part, true, but for you, Santa, I’ll do it. I will not, however, offer the same service to Tom Benson. Yes, I cast a very wide net, as they say, but I’ve got to draw the line somewhere. People talk, you know.
The Times-Picayune, which looked as though it might become a bona fide newspaper after the storm, is backtracking. The hard-hitting items they began running on August 29, 2005, have turned into so many whimpy, smarmy editorials. I suppose after all those years of Uptown inbreeding, they’ve lost the ability to grow a permanent spine. You should probably skip Audubon Place entirely and deliver their lumps of coal directly to the cephalopod tank at the aquarium.
There are surely other people and entities I could mention here–but of course, I’m not the judgemental type. A word to the wise, though: keep your eyes on Kathleen Blanco, Eddie Jordan, David Vitter, and those math-challenged charlatans running the alleged Road Home Program. I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’, you know?
Looking forward to future correspondence and thanking you in advance for your generous consideration of all I’ve said here, I remain,
Sincerely yours,
Ricardo
sturtle [dot] com 