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Dear Irish People in the Parade That Is Passing by My House:

You are very loud. WHY ARE YOU SO LOUD?

What’s up with this music blasting from your green go-karts? I mean, yes, “You Shook Me All Night Long” is a good party tune, and AC/DC’s home turf of Australia is a land of outcasts, kinda like Ireland, but tell me: who, exactly, shook you all night long? Was it St. Patrick? ‘Cause dude, St. Patrick’s a dude! Which makes you sorta gay. Which means that your refusal to let me march in your parade is more than a little ironical, gaymo.

And now “Eight Days a Week”? Need I remind you that the Beatles are from Liverpool? That’s in ENGLAND. In case you forgot, England is, like, your sworn enemy or something. And isn’t that song about working hard and stuff? I thought you all were supposed to be lazy. Swing and a miss, ladies.

Okay, you’ve redeemed yourselves: I can hear strains of “Oh, Mickey” from down the block. I’d love to think you planned that–“owning the racial slur” and all–but I’m guessing someone just thought it was good parade music. Or maybe Toni Basil is really revered over there, like la Hasselhoff.

Hold up. “Car Wash”? Now you’ve totally lost me. You make the baby Bono cry.

Seriously: pipe down.

xo/Richard