sturtle [dot] com

I am not a music snob. However: I am concerned about the rise of Katy Perry. Here is why:

For one, her voice is pretty crappy.

For two, her follow-up single bites.

For three, she put out an album of Christian music a couple of years before she and her formidable publicity machine conquered the hearts of Teenage America. Which is kind of weak in an Amy Grant, omigod I totally wanna be a pop star but I can’t break in so I guess I’ll sing about god and go on a diet, oh look I made the cover of People, see ya god sort of way.

Also: there are FORMAL HOTPANTS involved.

Now for the record, I could not possibly care less whether her lyrics or her mother are homophobic. (In fact, many of The Gays adore her.) And I am 100% in lust with the bass line for “I Kissed a Girl”–it’s magnificent and far ahead of its time. And I suppose every generation needs its Martika.

But honestly people, the line has to be drawn somewhere–and fast. The financial markets are crashing, half the world is at war, and my cafe au lait with soy has just reached room temperature: what more proof do you need that these are the End Times and Katy Perry is the Half-Naked Horselady of the Apocalypse? Please think of the children. Depose her now.

While you folks dig up the Chosen One, I’m going to sit here and refresh my eardrums by sorting through the cool kids’ playlist.*

* Michael Kors not included. Srsly.