Dear Mr. Obama:
I am sure that by now someone has told you that you won the election. Congratulations!
Let me just say that it will be a real treat to have an articulate, intelligent, curious, debate-friendly man as America’s Next Top Spokesmodel. In the past 48 hours alone, you have given our country’s image a much needed shot in the arm. You have also made many people weep with joy, which is kind of what we do when we hear our current president speak, but with more joy. In fact, I am already tearing up at the thought of your inauguration and the dress that Michelle will wear to it. (FYI, I rather liked the red and black number from Tuesday, except for those crazy side panels. She looked like a very foxy doorway.)
But enough preamble. I am an impatient man, and judging from your metabolism, I can only guess that you’re the antsy sort, too. Therefore, I will get right down to business with my wish list. I know that you are probably receiving many such lists right now, but I have been ESPECIALLY good this year, so please take that into consideration. Now, in order of importance:
1. Find a way out of Iraq and Afghanistan. I know that we keep saying that we have to “win”, but your predecessor has made the war unwinnable by calling it a War on Terror, which is akin to having a War on Anger or Happiness or Melancholy or Ooginess (i.e. UTTER NONSENSE). We all know that the Iraqis and Afghans aren’t going to step up until we step out, so find a way to save face and back quietly out of the very sandy room.
2. Fix the economy. I can’t even balance my checkbook–assuming people do that kind of thing anymore–so I can’t offer any suggestions on how you might make this happen, but surely you know someone with banking savvy. If all else fails, ask Michelle–she looks like she’s good with budgets. (Note: fixing the economy will probably be easier once you deal with item #1, which is why I put it first. I am smarter than I look.)
3. Encourage the development of new energy resources. Don’t penalize the oil industry or the auto makers or anything, but offer incentives for them to move on. You know: attracting more flies with honey and all that.
4. Push equal protection legislation for GLBT folks. It’s a few simple words we’re asking for. You can probably just amend the Civil Rights Act of 1964. (If you don’t have it in MS Word format, I’ll email you a copy.) You don’t have to talk so much about marriage or military service or anything, but those will follow. AS THEY SHOULD.
5. Change the tone of religion in politics. I’m not asking you to show that Democrats can be just as bible-thumpy as Republicans. I’m asking you to show that there are multiple ways to be religious in America–including being non-religious. Religion is frustrating and divisive, and in 2008, we could probably do with a little less of that.
6. Be transparent. I don’t mean like the Invisible Man–though, you know, that’s kind of eloquent, when you think of the Ralph Ellison novel. No: I mean stay in front of us. Talk to us and let us know what you’re doing. Let us ask questions of you, and try to answer them sincerely. As someone living with both a president and a mayor who can do none of those things, I can’t tell you how important it is.
Well, that’s it for now. If I think of anything else, I’ll let you know. Give my regards to the family–and for goddess’ sake, please visit the SPCA for that damned puppy!
Your fan,
I really mean that,
I have also been really, really good,
Richard
sturtle [dot] com 