Please stop. In the name of all that is good and holy and Judy Garland, I beseech you. Please.
Please stop wearing cargo shorts.
I know that there’s a lot going on today. I know that there’s a ruling on Prop 8 due in California, I know that Hillary Clinton is pushing to acquire benefits for same-sex partners of diplomats, I know there’s a big move to repeal Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell, I know there’s a lot of really important stuff on the burner. However, this is also big.
Let me repeat: please stop wearing cargo shorts.
You want to wear shorts? Fine. You want to wear cargo pants? Fine. Well, possibly fine. But miscegenation of the two sartorial strains has resulted in a godless hybrid that makes any wearer look like an eight-year-old in hand-me-downs. And I understand that many of you would like to look eight years old again, but this is not the way to do it. No, this is classic Peter Pan Syndrome.
But that is not all. Please note this:
Do you see who that is? Can you make it out? It’s David Beckham. Normally smokin’ hot David Beckham. But look closely. Is he hot here? From the waist down? No. In fact, he looks like a douchebag–a douchebag who’s suffering from that Lily Tomlin/shrinking woman syndrome. Under normal circumstances, normally smokin’ hot David Beckham should not look like a douchebag. And yet, here we are.
So please: do yourself a favor. Do our great big sparkly unicorn rainbow community a favor. Put down the cargo shorts. Put them down into a very big Hefty bag and high-tail it to Goodwill.
If none of that has persuaded you, here is a list of ten people who never, ever wore cargo shorts:
- Marlon Brando
- Jimmy Carter
- Jean Cocteau
- John Hodgman
- Gene Kelly
- Karl Lagerfeld
- Colin Powell
- Vincent Price
- Frank Rich
- David Sedaris
You are not alone in this. I, too, have sinned. But together, we can make it through. Amen, sisters.