I hate Cato. I’ve never even been to Cato, I have no idea what it is, but I hate it because of its commercials and its shy/wild giantess/spokesmodel, who is not only NOT a model, but also NOT an actress, unless we consider, say, Melissa Sue Anderson an actress, and do we really have to limbo that low? FLOODGATES: OPEN.
Anyway, inspired by a tweet from someone I follow that I can’t seem to find at the moment, I have decided to liveblog the current Cato commercial. IT IS TERRIBLE.
:02 — Okay, Terribly-Dressed-And-Possibly-Retarded-Keith-Urban-Stunt-Double, I have told you: DO NOT GET ME WET!
:05 — YOU WERE WARNED!!!!1!! OM NOM NOM etc.
:10 — I cannot believe the amount of makeup that queen in wardrobe slathered on my eyelids. Does she understand? That we’re in New Orleans? IT IS HOT, HOT, MOTHERHUMPIN’ HOT. I can barely even see you, you hipster-marshmallow-cupcake-duck-like creature.
:11 — I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?
:12 — Let’s stop!
:13 — No, LET’S GO. You look a little like that creepy recovering alcoholic that Sarah Jessica Parkinglot dated in that long-running series whose name I can’t recall — the same guy who showed up as another recovering alcoholic in a completely different show — all of which is beginning to creep me out a little, so seriously: let’s go. LET’S GO FIND A POLICEMAN.
:15 — I’m still a little full from devouring my first boyfriend by the fountain, but I can’t say no to anything that long and red.
:16 — Neither can you, I bet.
:17 — Yes, I lost my teeth in a tragic buffet accident. The doctors had no choice but to replace them with tiny fluorescent light bulbs. Now put on your blue-blockers and FEED ME.
:17 — Wait, this top makes my ass look HUGE. Am I…am I advertising clothes for FAT PEOPLE? I AM GOING TO EAT KILL THAT AGENT.
:20 — Just as soon as I eat kill you.
:22 — On second thought, you are far too sinewy and thin to be filling. And that turquoise shirt looks like it might be contagious. You may pass. Do not touch me again.
:26 — HEE! I AM AS GIDDY AS A SCHOOLGIRL! A REALLY DUMB SCHOOLGIRL WHO IS STILL IN SCHOOL AT AGE 52!
:27 — Oh, there’s my stomach rumbling again. I’m going back on my word: say goodbye to your son, Mrs. Marshmallow Cupcake Ladypants.
:28 — Cato? CATO? Like that guy from the OJ thing? Ohgodohgodohgod that agent is toast. Or at least marmalade on toast. Mmm, is anyone else hungry?
Oh honey. Does someone need their litter changed?
(Actually, I love you as a Poopy Kitty. You go! And you keep on going until someone sez STOP.)
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