I hate Cato. I’ve never even been to Cato, I have no idea what it is, but I hate it because of its commercials and its shy/wild giantess/spokesmodel, who is not only NOT a model, but also NOT an actress, unless we consider, say, Melissa Sue Anderson an actress, and do we really have to limbo that low? FLOODGATES: OPEN.

Anyway, inspired by a tweet from someone I follow that I can’t seem to find at the moment, I have decided to liveblog the current Cato commercial. IT IS TERRIBLE.

:02 — Okay, Terribly-Dressed-And-Possibly-Retarded-Keith-Urban-Stunt-Double, I have told you: DO NOT GET ME WET!

:05 — YOU WERE WARNED!!!!1!! OM NOM NOM etc.

:10 — I cannot believe the amount of makeup that queen in wardrobe slathered on my eyelids. Does she understand? That we’re in New Orleans? IT IS HOT, HOT, MOTHERHUMPIN’ HOT. I can barely even see you, you hipster-marshmallow-cupcake-duck-like creature.

:11 — I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?

:12 — Let’s stop!

:13 — No, LET’S GO. You look a little like that creepy recovering alcoholic that Sarah Jessica Parkinglot dated in that long-running series whose name I can’t recall — the same guy who showed up as another recovering alcoholic in a completely different show — all of which is beginning to creep me out a little, so seriously: let’s go. LET’S GO FIND A POLICEMAN.

:15 — I’m still a little full from devouring my first boyfriend by the fountain, but I can’t say no to anything that long and red.

:16 — Neither can you, I bet.

:17 — Yes, I lost my teeth in a tragic buffet accident. The doctors had no choice but to replace them with tiny fluorescent light bulbs. Now put on your blue-blockers and FEED ME.

:17 — Wait, this top makes my ass look HUGE. Am I…am I advertising clothes for FAT PEOPLE? I AM GOING TO EAT KILL THAT AGENT.

:20 — Just as soon as I eat kill you.

:22 — On second thought, you are far too sinewy and thin to be filling. And that turquoise shirt looks like it might be contagious. You may pass. Do not touch me again.

:26 — HEE! I AM AS GIDDY AS A SCHOOLGIRL! A REALLY DUMB SCHOOLGIRL WHO IS STILL IN SCHOOL AT AGE 52!

:27 — Oh, there’s my stomach rumbling again. I’m going back on my word: say goodbye to your son, Mrs. Marshmallow Cupcake Ladypants.

:28 — Cato? CATO? Like that guy from the OJ thing? Ohgodohgodohgod that agent is toast. Or at least marmalade on toast. Mmm, is anyone else hungry?