Seven Things That Gross Me Out


1. Using a knife to stir my coffee, as I did this morning, because all the clean spoons were still in the dishwasher, and I was lazy and weak and backsliding. Using anything other than a spoon to stir coffee makes me feel like a construction worker, but not in a good way. More like, “I’m covered in drywall and sawdust and I will use anything to stir up this cup of minestrone.” (NB: as much as stirring with a knife grosses me out, a fork is completely unthinkable.)

2. People who misspell “restaurateur”. There’s no “n”. There’s never an “n”.

3. People who misspell “definate”. It’s “definite”, as in precise, limited, not infinite. Does that help?

4. People who use “dominate” instead of “dominant”. One’s a verb, one’s an adjective. You dominate others, but you look for dominant personalities on Manhunt.

5. Giving a sake set as a gift. I’ve been reduced to this on occasion, but it’s terrible. It’s like the slightly hipper equivalent of giving someone a scented candle. It says, “Oh, I don’t know you very well, but I wanted you to think I was kind of worldly. I’m sure you don’t drink sake at home because, really, no one fucking does, but you can probably regift it at the holiday office party.”

6. Feeling my teeth on a paper towel. Worse than nails on a chalkboard.

7. Going barefoot in my house. Because with four dogs around, you’re always going to step on something.

8 thoughts on “Seven Things That Gross Me Out

  1. Tyler

    I’m starting to get a sense of your average morning. It includes Manhunt on the laptop, a cup of coffee with a knife, perhaps trying to pour cream out of a sake bottle (it’s hard to say), and maybe you limping. I donno. Definately odd.

  2. richard

    somehow that one about sake reminds me of the disjoint of an incredibly stupid production, so stupid i can’t even calibrate — so stupid, i couldn’t even think it was gay at one time until people told me it was. so pathetic, one could consider changing their sexual preference, if that were so. yet, there are people who actually live in Japan or lived in Japan where sake at home is part of life. thus, it reminds me of how gay people have ultimately come to be so, so, so boring. if i were living in japan, then i could enjoy japan, and it wouldn’t be odd, as it would have nothing to do with the simple boxing of japan into a sushi restaurant and nothing more. sometimes, i wonder, with all of these supposed world-class institutions in the united states, how did north america become so stupid??

  3. Richard

    @ Oisin: OMG, I want to shake a queen when I see that. Like, “Really? You want a separate and self-contained hook-up? How tidy.”

    @ Jack: You know me so well.

  4. Jason

    Helpful tip when the spoons are in the dishwasher and all you have left is a knife…first add cream, then coffee. Presto change-o, and that goddamn coffee stirs itself! Maybe not so helpful for sugar. I’m just trying to help.

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