1. Using a knife to stir my coffee, as I did this morning, because all the clean spoons were still in the dishwasher, and I was lazy and weak and backsliding. Using anything other than a spoon to stir coffee makes me feel like a construction worker, but not in a good way. More like, “I’m covered in drywall and sawdust and I will use anything to stir up this cup of minestrone.” (NB: as much as stirring with a knife grosses me out, a fork is completely unthinkable.)
2. People who misspell “restaurateur”. There’s no “n”. There’s never an “n”.
3. People who misspell “definate”. It’s “definite”, as in precise, limited, not infinite. Does that help?
4. People who use “dominate” instead of “dominant”. One’s a verb, one’s an adjective. You dominate others, but you look for dominant personalities on Manhunt.
5. Giving a sake set as a gift. I’ve been reduced to this on occasion, but it’s terrible. It’s like the slightly hipper equivalent of giving someone a scented candle. It says, “Oh, I don’t know you very well, but I wanted you to think I was kind of worldly. I’m sure you don’t drink sake at home because, really, no one fucking does, but you can probably regift it at the holiday office party.”
6. Feeling my teeth on a paper towel. Worse than nails on a chalkboard.
7. Going barefoot in my house. Because with four dogs around, you’re always going to step on something.