In honor of the start of the 2011 North Atlantic Hurricane Season, here is a list of names that will (probably) never make it onto the World Meteorological Organization’s annual list:

Airfoundia
High school classmate. Wallflower type. Barely heard from before graduation, never heard from after.

Boadicea
Although it would be funny.

Cicciolina
Which would also be funny.

Dick
Which would be hilarious.

Eudora
Though Ms. Welty was pretty feisty in her own right.

Filomena
The name of an in-law and a favorite (name and in-law), but perhaps not WASPy enough.

Gargantua
Probably a shade too literate.

Higgins
No one could live with themselves, knowing that their community had been devastated by a character from Magnum P.I.

Ikebana
Naming a storm after the Japanese art of flower arrangement seems poetic, but highbrow.

Jehoshaphat
Though the headlines would be pretty good.

Kiki
Because “kiki” is a slang term — in both French and Tagalog, I think — for “tiny penis”. Don’t ask how I know such things, just go with it.

Lachrymosia
Seriously: back in the day, I knew a girl who adopted this as her name. She wore a lot of black, which shouldn’t surprise anyone.

Manderley
Though a very good friend has named his house that. I’ve a very good mind to name ours Mrs. Danvers.

Nanook
Because hurricanes are hot, not icy.

Ozymandias
Speaking of highbrow, right?

Pantagruel
Though the idea of the broadcasters trying to get that one out of their mouths makes me smile. “Hurricane Panda…Pantera…Plantagenet…oh hell: storm’s a-comin’!”

Quelea
Because in the entire history of Western Civilization, I don’t think anyone has named a child “Quelea” — even though it’s my favorite bird and the most abundant on Planet Earth (though in flocks of over a billion, they can destroy crops very quickly). If you’ve never seen them in action, behold:

Rococo
Because it’s a brilliant Cocteau Twins song, and who would want to ruin that memory?

Sindy
Even the World Meteorological Organization has a taste level.

Titania
Again with the literate references. Also the humorless Family Research Council would probably whine.

Ulala
Because she can’t be bothered to leave Space Channel 5.

Vendetta
Although it would be badass. And Margaret Orr could draw a little mustache on the hurricane map.

Wilson-Phillips
Because enough is e-freaking-nough.

Xtopher
Because the Xtians would start whining again, and we just got them quieted down after the whole “Titania” debacle.

Yaqueteria
A fictional character from some very early Varla Jean Merman videos.  Hilarious, but fictional nonetheless. (And so “very early Varla” that they haven’t yet made the transition from wax cylinder to YouTube.)

Zed
Because, as Mr. Willis once said, Zed’s dead.

* * * * *

And in case you’re wondering about this year’s official names, they are:

Arlene
Bret
Cindy
Don
Emily
Franklin
Gert
Harvey
Irene
Jose
Katia
Lee
Maria
Nate
Ophelia
Philippe
Rina
Sean
Tammy
Vince
Whitney