Scientific Analysis Proves That New Year’s Eve Is The Worst Holiday Of All


For years, I have secretly conducted field tests on holiday celebrations, maintaining detailed notes on their good points and bad. Based on extensive surveys of exactly one person — me — I’ve devised this completely accurate ranking of the holidays, from best to worst:

#1. Carnival/Mardi Gras
Why? There are parties and balls from January 6 through Fat Tuesday, I can hang out with friends I don’t often get to see, great costumes are everywhere, and the weather is generally fantastic.

#2. Thanksgiving
Why? It’s always spent at home with friends (I haven’t passed a Thanksgiving with family since high school), and Jonno makes a kickin’ gumbo.

#3. Christmas
 I’m not super-fond of the version of Christmas that involves my quiet, conservative Mississippi relatives, but spending the day with Jonno’s oversized family in New York is kind of amazing. However, it is bitch-ass cold up there.

#4. Labor Day
Why? The weather can be brutal, but on the upside, Southern Decadence is entertaining for an hour or two.

#5. Independence Day
Why? Same problem with the weather as Labor Day, but a good BBQ can partially redeem it.

#6. Easter
Why? I’m pretty indifferent about Easter. Being able to wear seersucker again is nice, though.

#7. Memorial Day
Why? On a scale of 0 to 10, Memorial Day is a perfect 5. The beige of holidays.

#8. Halloween
Why? The streets are full of amateurs praising Satan in sexy zombie costumes. (Actually, I don’t mind the praising Satan part, but the zombie meme has to go.)

#9. St. Patrick’s Day
Why? The streets are full of amateurs listening to bagpipes and crap-ass 80s rock. (At least that’s the way they roll in the parade that passes by my house.)

#10. New Year’s Eve
Why? The streets are full of amateurs who run out of anything interesting to do at precisely 12:01am, so they spend the rest of the night making my life miserable by shouting in my ear and having tearful, vomit-y breakups on the front stoop. Also, one of my dogs hates fireworks.

So, I’m sorry it’s going to be a crap-ass terrible night for all of you. Please try to make the best of it. If things get too depressing, just remember: Carnival is just six days away!

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