I’m a patient man. In fact, some have told me that I’m too patient for my own good.

I’m also pretty forgiving. People wanna be dicks? Whatever. Sometimes people are dicks. Sometime’s I’m a dick. Let it slide.

It takes a lot to make me mad, is what I’m saying. It takes even more to make me vengeful.

And yet, on two topics, I’m both.

Same-sex marriage

I used to be ambivalent about same-sex marriage. Part of me still is. After years spent huddled around seminar tables, clutching dog-eared books by Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick, I’m a tad wary about buying into the whole dyad/binary thing.

And yet I have bought into it. For 15 years, and counting.

Because you can’t argue with love, especially when it lands in your lap. How can anyone turn away from that?

And for the people like Maggie Gallagher and Tony Perkins who want to deny the value of relationships like mine — who say, basically, “Oh, you sinning, silly faggot, what you’re feeling isn’t love” — well, fuck them.

Seriously, fuck them gently with a chainsaw.

But what’s even worse is the politicians who take Gallagher and Perkins’ arguments to heart. Both of those blowhards talk non-stop about the bible. (Well, not the part about polycotton blends or the part about bad haircuts, but the other stuff, sure.) And countless elected officials want to build laws on those obviously religious ideas. It’s beyond me how anyone who claims to understand the U.S. Constitution can do that.

And just for the record: yes, I know that many people have called Barack Obama’s remarks on same-sex marriage disingenuous and calculating. To them I say, “No shit, Sherlock.” For years, he’s made it abundantly clear that he’s very LGBT-friendly and opposes discrimination, but if he didn’t think it were politically expedient to announce his support for gay marriage, he would’ve kept his mouth shut.

The fact remains: Obama has spoken up, and for once, we have a sitting president who’s on the right side of history. Forward? Yes. Hope, indeed.

The genie is out of the bottle. In fact, the bitch is, down the street, in a cab, on her way to a well-earned vacation in Cancun. Folks who insist on looking backward will be left behind.

Global warming

If people want to believe that  mankind has nothing to do with global warming, that’s fine. Insane and idiotic, but fine.

But if people want to deny that the planet isn’t heating up, that’s not okay.

Politicians (and very rarely, “scientists”) point to an unusually cool summer day and say, “Oh, how’s that for global warming?”. But there’s a difference between weather and climate, and the facts don’t lie.

Why do I get so worked up about this?

Because (a) I live in New Orleans. Ordinarily, Louisiana would be gaining land right now, thanks to runoff from the Mississippi, but because of levees and the destruction of waterways by energy companies, that’s not happening. The more land we lose, the more precarious New Orleans’ position gets.

Granted, there’s nothing to be done about the levees: they’re a necessity now. But New Orleans would be in a much better position if politicians and oil barons hadn’t screwed up the bayous and other parts of our wetlands. It’s their responsibility to fix those things. And yet, they don’t.

I’m also infuriated because (b) I believe in science and rationality, and to see a huge chunk of the population deny what is scientifically obvious — for patently political and/or religious reasons — makes me very, very angry. (Insert image of Marvin the Martian here.)

So yeah, I’m a patient man.

Which should serve me well while I wait for idiots like Bryan Fischer, James Inhofe, and their god-fearing ilk to have their Saul of Tarsus moments. I really want to see the look on their faces when they realize they’ve been wrong.

But I also hope they have good dental insurance.