No matter what policy, law or judicial decision is put into place, marriage is the only institution that unites a man and a woman to each other and to any children born of their union. It is either this, or it is nothing at all. In view of the fact that every child has a mother and a father, our society either respects the basic right of every child to be raised by his or her mother and father together and so supports the true and unique meaning of marriage for the good of children, or it does not.

In a society marked by increasing poverty and family fragmentation, marriage needs to be strengthened, promoted, and defended, not redefined…. I hope and pray that political leaders, judges, and all people will seek to honor this foundational and common sense truth of marriage.

— Salvatore Cordileone, archbishop and wax figurine impersonator, whining in the wake of Tuesday’s marriage equality wins 

I’ve asked before, but I’ll ask again: why do we let (allegedly) celibate religious figures tell secular citizens what to do with their reproductive organs? It makes about as much sense as having an Amish mechanic. Or a Christian Scientist oncologist.

Cordileone’s arguments are holier than the pope’s underwear. By which I mean they are full of massive, gaping holes, chasms of unfathomable logic. Someone really ought to darn those briefs. Or damn them, take your pick.

Cordileone — drunk-driving, gay-hating Cordileone — is doing that ridiculous thing where religious conservatives insist that marriage has always been about procreation. If that were true, only married women would be able to get pregnant. (Which, according to Todd Akin, is scientifically provable.)

No, marriage is really about the accumulation of wealth. That is why, in many parts of the world, marriages are still arranged. That is why Mormons, Muslims, and those of other faiths have traditionally taken multiple wives. That is why, until very recently, even here in the U.S., wives were chattel, property. They had a job, and that job was to bring in the money.

True, a portion of that money was meant to come from the kiddies they were busy cranking out. But wifey was also expected to bring some cash to the marriage. This is the sole reason for the longstanding tradition of the dowry, which is basically seed money for the household. (Think about that a sec, and the pun will come. [See what I did there?])

So, on the one hand Cordileone and his crew completely misunderstand marriage, the definition of which has changed time and time and time again over the centuries. Today, in much of the Western world, marriage is based first and foremost on love and respect, which couples can enjoy long after their reproductive organs have stopped working. What’s below the belt doesn’t matter.

On the other hand, Cordileone fails to understand the upside of marriage equality — namely, that gays and lesbians now want to be swaddled in holy matrimony, just as the church advocates. He and his cross-dressing colleagues are pushing away millions of people who are simply trying to follow Catholic tradition to the letter. Don’t they know a gift horse when they see it?

Between this kind of thinking and the Vatican’s recent attack on nuns for focusing “too much attention on poverty and economic injustice”, the church is about as relevant as an eight-track player.

And they can’t understand why they’re hemorrhaging members, closing parishes, and losing elections.

Good riddance.