A week in Havana

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Havana, CubaOld Havana, Habana Vieja, was designed to repel invaders, seawater, and most of all, the sun. Even at high noon, shadows edge the narrow streets, making the city marginally cooler.

By night, though, all of Havana glows with artificial sunlight. Sickly green fluorescent bulbs flicker like a million stars trapped on a million ceilings. The false daylight radiates from windows, filling stuffy rooms with a grim, efficient hue. Me, I’m like my homegirl, Blanche DuBois: I prefer my light warm and aggressively shaded.

So yes, green is the color of Havana: not only the light, but also the trees, the Gulf, the houses. There are pinks, aquas, yellows, and grays, too. The texture of the city is concrete, plaster, and marble, with accents of trash bags, rubble, and refuse.

Like any major city, the sound of Havana is cacophonous at all but the wee-est of wee hours. Cars that predate Jackie Kennedy’s bloodstained, Chanel-knockoff suit roam the streets, their ancient motors roaring almost as loudly as those of the motorcycles beside them. Barkers sell wares from carts, people shout to friends, family, and strangers blocks away. In rare quiet moments, Cuban flags snap in the breeze.

* * * * *

There is a rule in chemistry, a universal law: matter moves from lowest energy to highest entropy. Havana flouts that law, bends it, maybe even breaks it. To my untrained eyes, the city is hot and chaotic, yet everything runs in slow motion, particularly people and progress.

The buildings of Havana are collapsing piece by piece. As a New Orleanian, that’s not particularly strange, but Louisiana houses are organic, made of cypress and pine. Allowing concrete to decay? That’s some next-level neglect. Everything in the city is under (re)construction, but I’m not sure how much has been achieved.

Amid all the hubbub, dogs and cats lie unharmed on slivers of sidewalk and in the centers of streets. In a country like the U.S., they’d be picked up, taken to the pound, mostly euthanized, a few adopted. Here, they’re like feral children, running in packs. They are befriended, maybe even beloved, but rarely owned. They live their lives out of doors, cared for by the community. Somehow, it works. After a week in the city, I haven’t seen a single cat or dog hit by a car.

And the people? The people are friendly, but when you tell them that you’re a tourist–by your words, your accent, your clothes–their friendliness often evolves a purpose. You’re told about a restaurant, a festival, a bar, taken into this shop or that for rum or taxi rides or girls. The hustle never ends. Sometimes it is straightforward, but often, it is duplicitous. “Oh, I love your tattoo. I have a small one on my thigh. Where are you from, amigo?” And eventually, you find yourself in a small room being sold a box of overpriced cigars. The constant threat of ulterior motives erects a border wall between you and them where there was a demilitarized zone before.

* * * * *

She told me her name was Shirley. Well, she looked like a Shirley, anyway.

She followed me home, from the rough, green edge of Vedado, through the wreckage of Centro, all the way to our door in Habana Vieja. She tip-toed along the narrow sidewalks, always making sure to keep my well-nourished calves between her frail frame and the road. She flinched when cars raced by, but she never bolted, as my own dogs would have done off-leash. She knew enough to understand that she’d found an easy mark.

Food is often hard to come by in Havana, at least compared to here in the U.S. Convenience stores are rare, grocery stores rarer still, fast food joints nonexistent. Finding a snack is an ordeal. During our hour together, I looked for something, anything to buy so that Shirley could have a decent meal, but I came up empty-handed. I had to shut the door in her face like a stranger.

As soon as I did, I raced up the four floors of our building and looked down from the balcony, watching her pace in front of the apartment as she made her appeal to others. “Hi!” “Hello there!” “Could I have just a moment of your time?” Every time she disappeared from view, I counted to ten. When she reappeared, I started over. It took a dozen tries before she was gone.

I found her again a few hours later, a few blocks away. Or maybe she found me. She’d made her way to the San Jose Artisans’ Market, a sprawling free-for-all of artwork and tchotchkes for the hundreds of tourists who arrive in Havana each day on cruise ships. She was snuggling up to another guy, another easy mark, a tourist whose family were laughing at him. “Oh, what a sucker you are for a pretty face.”

She left his side, sniffed me, and moved on.

Grenadine McGunkle’s Double-Wide Christmas, Chapter 12: A B+ of a Christmas Eve

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Grenadine McGunkle’s Double-Wide Christmas, Chapter 12: A B+ of a Christmas Eve

I look down at my watch and tap on the glass to make sure it ain’t stopped. Sure enough, the little red hand is circling Minnie’s head, just like it always does. Unless my eyesight’s started to go all of a sudden, it ain’t even nine o’clock yet! So what in the devil can that man be shouting about?

I don’t have to wait long to find out. Stouge’s voice is still bouncing off the trailers when he rounds the bend, running up the row like a bat out of Hellman’s Mayonnaise. Whatever he’s upset about, it’s got to be big. Under normal circumstances, the man don’t even walk fast.

Before Stouge gets too close, I shoot a look at Earl, hoping for some backup, but he’s still in his chair by the barbecue grill. How that man can sleep through all this racket, I’ll never know. Some folks in white coats ought to take him to a lab and put him under a microscope.

I notice my husband did wake up long enough to get himself a beer, though, ‘cause there’s a cold one sitting in his lap. Must’ve been when Gladys and I was inside cooking, the sneaky so-and-so. Good thing, too–if I’d seen him awake, you can bet your bottom dollar I would’ve asked him to help clean up. Not that he’d have actually lent a hand, mind you.

Marriage is a complicated thing, is what I’m trying to say.

By the time I look around from checking on Earl, Stouge is within spitting distance. “Grenadine! Grenadine!” he hollers again at the top of his lungs. Lord, someone needs to tell that man about mouthwash.

“Look here, Mr. Stouge,” I say, trying to keep my wits together. “It’s barely half past eight, and we’ve done an awful good job of keeping our voices down ‘til now. I ain’t no lawyer, but I believe that we are perfectly within our rights to have a little get-together once a year to celebrate the birth of our lord and—”

“Merry Christmas!” Stouge shouts from three feet away, looking around at all of us. “Merry Christmas, everybody!”

Now, I’ve seen a lot of stuff today, including a few things I shouldn’t have. And I’m not even talking about what I glimpsed on Earl’s computer while I was making breakfast. Good goobity goo, that internet’s a mess, ain’t it?

But nothing–and I mean nothing with a capital “NO”–compares with Ephraim Stouge wishing everyone at the Everlasting Arms Motor Park a merry Christmas. Continue reading

Grenadine McGunkle’s Double-Wide Christmas, Chapter 11: Dinner and a Show

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Grenadine McGunkle’s Double-Wide Christmas, Chapter 11: Dinner and a Show

How in blue blazes Gladys and I managed to whip this party into shape in less than an hour, I’ll never know. I just hope to high heaven we did everything right and ain’t gonna poison nobody. She and I was working like Santa’s elves in my little ol’ kitchen, opening this and defrosting that, singing along to the music of Miss Gloria Estefan. Don’t nothing get me and Gladys moving like a conga beat.

I reckon some of the credit for tonight’s lickety-split meal goes to the folks who make them dried onions, too. About three years ago, they was having a sale on ‘em down at the Piggly Wiggly, and I stocked up. Hadn’t gone through two cans since then, but tonight we put ‘em in everything, even the upside-down cake. I don’t know why those dried little boogers make everything taste so dang good, but so long as they’re legal–and I got no reason to think they ain’t–I’m not gonna ask questions. Too bad I didn’t pick up no breath mints, though. Loretta’s peppermint shrimp casserole will have to do. Provided folks can keep it down.

Oh, and the cherry on top of all this mess? Gladys and I worked so fast in the kitchen, we even managed to rustle up a runner for the card table. Technically, it’s just an old sheet from the rollaway that Tater used to sleep on as a boy, and it’s got some unfortunate stains here and there, but Gladys put the covered dishes in just the right spots to cover ‘em up. The baby Jesus himself would be proud to see it.

* * * * *

Madge is the first to arrive, still in that cute sweater set I’ve been eyeing since this afternoon. I can tell from thirty paces that the woman is excited about something or other. I know because Madge don’t get excited about nothing. Even when Hank Williams Junior’s tour bus blew a tire at the county line, she was as cool as a cucumber. But the way she’s trotting up the row, waving her arms and trying to flag me down–like I can’t see her plain as day–I know something’s up. Continue reading