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Asked whether she could forgive her husband after an extramarital affair…Wendy Vitter told the Times-Picayune: “I’m a lot more like Lorena Bobbitt than Hillary [Clinton]. If he does something like that, I’m walking away with one thing, and it’s not alimony, trust me.”

ABC News, July 2007

Sadly, Wendy had to eat those words. Maybe she was worried about finding the right knife. Or perhaps she was concerned about the legal ramifications of conducting an unauthorized penectomy. Or maybe she underwent a great sexual awakening and found herself more titillated by her husband’s peccadilloes than she’d imagined. Whatever: her bloodthirsty moment passed.

But now girlfriend may get another chance. Because just as the “DC Madam” case is going to trial, the Louisiana senate has passed a bill that paves the way for legalized castration. Which is not quite the same thing as a penectomy, of course, but it’s in the ballpark.

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Unprecedented Midday Update:

Karl Lagerfeld Becomes a Video-Game Character!

Karl Lagerfeld, video game warrior?

Not quite, but the designer will get his game close-up in the much-anticipated fourth installment of “Grand Theft Auto,” due out on April 29. While “Grand Theft Auto” fanatics will not encounter Lagerfeld speeding down the road or lurking in a dark alley, they can cruise through the game’s Liberty City listening to him on the radio as he DJs on air at the game’s K109 The Studio station.

NY Mag

Either the End Times truly are upon us, or life is about to get exponentially more fabulous. If the Spice Girls of the Apocalypse appear on the horizon, I guess we’ll know for sure.

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Bad news: Our “leaders” in Baton Rouge are looking to repeal a law requiring motorcyclists to wear–gasp!–helmets.

Good news: If the repeal passes, the mortality rate for idiots will skyrocket.

Bad news: David Vitter loves fast cars and loose women, but to the best of our knowledge, he doesn’t ride motorcycles.

Good news: Former governator Mike Foster can give him helmet-free lessons.

Bad news: Our recent eBay purchase of an Arte Johnson-style Kaiser Wilhelm helmet may have been for naught.

Good news: Sources say legislators may attach a friendly amendment also outlawing chaps.*

* Funny, you’d think that as a gay man, I’d be all into the chaps thing. But one too many sightings of a leathered-up Grandpa Walton getting gassed up at the Exxon has totally cured me.

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You have saddened and disappointed them
You have saddened and disappointed them.

I told you, people.

I gave you plenty of advance notice. I begged. I pleaded. And yet you ignored me.

You missed Trannyshack.

Luckily, 300 less-lame folks didn’t. And based on what I saw from my perch in the DJ booth, they all had a faaaaabulous time. Jonno’s photos totally prove it.

In fact, the night was such a success that we’re considering a repeat. Stay tuned, ladies.

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Friday’s Poetry Party:

Blank verse from White Ladies

Contemporaries of Jones, Miss Grace Jones


Did I ask you for your love?

Did I ask you for your dedication?

I don’t want, I don’t want your love!

I don’t want, I don’t want your affection!

But I’ve got to have the car–

I need it for the weekend.

I’ve got to have the stereo–

A couple of deletions.

I’ve got to have the freezer–

Put some fun back in my eating.

I’ve got to have it all until I’m complete!

* * * * *

Sun’s coming up, like a big bald head. Poking up over the grocery store.

It’s Sharkey’s day.

It’s Sharkey’s day today.

Sharkey wakes up and Sharkey says: “There was this man…. And there was this road…. And if only I could remember these dreams, I know they’re trying to tell me…something.”

* * * * *

Oh yeah, I’m back there in Pilgrim times, over in Salem, Massachusetts or New England somewhere. And I was walking by a town square. They were having some kind of public execution. I see they’ve got some chick tied up to a stake, like Joan of Arc or somethin’.

And as I get closer, I notice it’s my mother.

Except she looks just like Ethel Merman.

And they’ve got this big wooden vice attached to her head, and they’re twistin’ the knobs, tighter and tighter and tighter around her head. And as they’re twisting away, and as they’re twisting away, Ethel, my mom, looks around and sees me–Ann, her daughter–staring at her from the crowd.

And with tears in her eyes–tears in her eyes–she tells me she loves me.

Except she sings it:

“I love you!”

“I love you!”

And on the third “I love you!”, her head pops like an overripe pumpkin on Halloween night.

“Why?” I sob! “Why? Why?” I sob! “Why? Why? Why? Why?”

Just because she was a ballsy lady?

Just because she was a belter?

Just because she lived with cats and worked with herbs?

Why, before you know it the FDA is gonna destroy the entire holistic community!

* * * * *

Hesperiidae, Papilionidae, Hyblaeoidae, Epiplemidae, Notodontidae, Nemeobiidae, Eupterotidae, Callidulidae.

Dioptidae, Lymantriidae, Noctuidae, Endromidae, Oxytenidae, Lycaenidae, Argyresthiidae, Ctenuchidae….

Nepticulidae, Hieroxestidae, Symmocidae, Blastobasidae, Heliozelidae, Limacodidae, Agonoxenidae, Compsoctenidae.

Neopseustidae, Incurvariidae, Oecophoridae, Stenomidae, Thyrididae, Heliodinidae, Glyphipterigidae, Dudgeoneidae.

* * * * *

Let’s see, uh…. It was on an island. And there was this snake. And the snake had legs. And he could walk all around the island. Yes, that’s true: a snake with legs. And the man and the woman were on the island too. And they were not very smart, but they were happy as…clams. Yes.

Let’s see, uh…. Then one evening the snake was walking about in the garden, and he was talking to himself, and he saw the woman, and they started to talk. And they became friends.

Very good friends.

And the woman liked the snake very much. Because when he talked, he make little noises with his tongue, and his long tongue was lightly licking about his lips. Like there was a little fire inside his mouth. And the flame would come dancing out of his mouth. And the woman liked this…very much.

And after that, she was bored with the man. Because no matter what happened, he was always as happy as a…clam.

What did the snake say? Yes! What was he saying?

Okay. I will tell you.

The snake told her things about the world. He told her about the time there was a big typhoon on the island and all the sharks came out of the water. Yes, they came out of the water and they walked right into your house with their big white teeth. And the woman heard these things. And she was in love. And the man came out and said: “We have to go now!” And the woman did not want to go. Because she was a hothead. Because she was a woman in love.

Anyway, we got into their boat and left the island. But they never stayed anywhere very long. Because the woman was restless. She was a hothead. She was a woman in love.

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Thursday’s Poetry Party:

Blank verse from Grace Jones

Because the children may have forgotten


J’en ai marre of your theatrics.

Your acting’s a drag.

It’s okay on TV, but you can turn it off.

* * * * *

Louder, can you hear me?

Nightclubbing, nightclubbing,

We’re what’s happening!

Nightclubbing, nightclubbing,

We’re an ice machine.

We see people–brand new people.

They’re something to see.

We’re nightclubbing,

Bright-white clubbing.

Oh isn’t it wild?

* * * * *

Pull up to my bumper baby,

In your long black limosine.

Pull up to my bumper baby,

And drive it in between.

* * * * *

Feeling like a woman,

Looking like a man,

Sounding like a no-no,

Mating when I can,

Whistling in the darkness,

Shining in the night,

Coming to conclusions,

Right is night is tight,

Walking, walking,

In the rain.

* * * * *

Call the police!

You’re bigger than I am! Shit!

The telephone–call the goddamn police!

What do you mean you’re scared?

I’m scared too, I’m not going down there!

Uh-uh, I’m staying right here, I’m gonna lock my door!

Don’t turn on the lights! God, don’t turn on the lights!

He might see us!

You can’t go out there with no clothes on! Are you crazy?

Put some clothes on! Don’t be a fool, coward!

I’m not scared!

He’s not gonna’ catch me in here without any clothes on!

I’m gonna put on my clothes.

Do you have a flashlight?

Where’s the flashlight?

Turn the lights on, I need a flash light!

He’s trying the back door! SHHHHH!

* * * * *

And one for the francophiliacs:

Je t’aime, toujours, il faut toujours.

Alors pars, tire-toi!

Ca va, pars. Qu’est-ce que tu dois faire? Alors pars.

Ca va bien, pas de probleme, pars.

Mais, reviens a moi, alors pars.

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Party up, bitches!

This Saturday, April 5

One Eyed Jacks * 615 Toulouse Street * New Orleans

Doors at 8pm * Show at 10pm

Tickets: $8 at the door

Believe it, ladies and gentlemen: San Francisco’s legendary Trannyshack is coming to New Orleans this Saturday night! In addition to the usual shenanigans–which are anything but usual–you’ll be treated to performances by Quintron and Miss Pussycat, plus former New Orleanian-turned-gaypornstar Michael Soldier (who, FYI, played the role of Lana Turner when we first performed L’imitation of Life a decade ago in the bar of the Audubon Hotel). Another former New Orleanian, Andy Dupuy will be your mixmaster for the evening.

And I’ll be…well, I’ll be in the booth, running lights. But don’t worry about me–you go on and have a good time. No, seriously: don’t give it a second thought. Enjoy yourself. I’ll be fine. With my bottle of cut-rate vodka and a straw. Just fine.

Have I made it abundantly clear that you shouldn’t miss this? ‘Cause you shouldn’t. Miss this. Seriously.

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Sadly, not an April Fool’s gag

Back in 2006, some folks in our fair city voted to re-elect William Jefferson even though they didn’t like him. Even though he was (and is) self-absorbed and ineffective. Even though his habit of keeping $90k stashed in frozen Tupperware seemed (and seems) a tad suspicious.

Why would sane, sensible voters do such a thing? Because they assumed that the pending federal investigation of Jefferson would lead to an indictment, which would lead to his resignation, which would lead to another election in which they could elect someone, like, really good.

Those voters, btw, are now officially idiots:

The Supreme Court on Monday let stand a lower court ruling that the F.B.I. went too far in searching the office of Representative William J. Jefferson, a Louisiana Democrat accused of using his position to promote business deals in Africa.

Without comment, the justices declined to review a ruling by the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit, which concluded last August that agents had violated the Constitution by the methods it used in the May 2006 search.

The appeals court did not find that the raid itself was unconstitutional; rather, it found that the F.B.I. violated constitutional separation of powers by allowing agents to look freely through Congressional files for incriminating evidence….

New York Times

So basically, instead of voting for a nice, normal candidate the first time around, a bunch of smartasses who simply didn’t care for Karen Carter have allowed Louisiana’s reputation to languish (note: understatement is the new black). That’s pretty unfortunate, because, you know, given all the senatorial whoremongering and the gubernatorial buck-passing and the mayoral spouting-off, we could’ve used an “in” with somebody in DC.

P.S. Coincidentally, Jefferson illustrates my favorite Obscure Word of the Week: throttlebottom. It works on so many levels.

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Today, I am surrounded by:

  • oxygen
  • swamps
  • sunshine
  • idiots
  • artists
  • artists who are idiots
  • idiots who are in no way artists
  • pastel wrinkle-free poly-cotton
  • busy-work
  • phones, all ceaselessly ringing
  • consultants who think that “touchy-feely” is the only way to build buy-in
  • people who ask for things without offering so much as coffee in return
  • dust
  • dust mites
  • a tiny black cloud, which might just be my aura