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FIRST COCKFIGHTING, NOW PISS-PEEKING: IS NOTHING SACRED?

(Apart from drinking and driving, of course)

Oh, Louisiana legislature….

You may look more or less the same in your two-button blazers and your unattractive chambers, but you’ve changed.

You’ve changed, man.

You always said you were gonna buck the trend. Sure, you caved in on some stuff–important stuff like integration and public smoking. That kinda thing. That was totally okay. But you’ve stuck to your guns on other matters, proud of our state’s traditions and eager to force them on your children and their children’s children.

But now? Now y’all have legislated yourselves right outta kickbacks, fer chrissakes! You’ve taken away cockfighting, and you’ve tried your damnedest to pull up our sagging pants. You are essentially dismantling the crazy quilt of Louisiana’s cultural history and turning it into a double wedding ring of tasteful ecru damask and remnants of rose-colored satin. Where is your fabled sense of whimsy? Where, dammit?!

Then last week came the cruelest blow:

Louisiana legislators have approved a resolution calling for “privacy dividers” to be installed at urinals men’s public bathrooms.

The resolution does not have the force of law. It will now be up to state health officials to amend Louisiana’s plumbing code to require the privacy partitions.

The resolution was sponsored by Democratic state Rep. Mickey Guillory of Eunice. The reason, according to the resolution, is that “sexual offenders, sexually violent predators, and child predators can easily violate the privacy of others using urinals….”

—more at WAFB

http://www.wafb.com/global/video/flash/widgets/WNVideoCanvas.swf

Speaking on behalf of gay men and their bi-curious half-brethren everywhere: hasn’t Louisiana suffered enough? Must you add insult to injury?

I don’t even know who you are anymore.

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SUNDAY IS FOR SPONTANEITY, SOMETIMES CALLED IMPATIENCE

* * *

yesterday
Yesterday, at my father’s wedding

Impatience #1
This morning, after deciding I looked too shaggy at my father’s wedding

Impatience #2
Unintended, but comfy nonetheless

I hadn’t really wanted to go this short, but I accidentally gave myself a New Iberia Haircut (as Dave et al call it), and this seemed like the only way to fix matters. But whatever: as long as I have hair, it’ll grow back, right?

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Bad news: Our housemate made a complete ass of himself at French Quarter Fest.

Good news: The high point of his ass-foolery was dancing onstage. With Chris freakin’ Owens.

Best news ever: It was totally captured on video:

http://www.blogger.com/img/videoplayer.swf?videoUrl=http%3A%2F%2Fvp.video.google.com%2Fvideodownload%3Fversion%3D0%26secureurl%3DqgAAAPEbdexZYqODP9Nt5kZfcH34CX8kCJUWP4g0HhA9JkfNhY_sfUmU3mdr2a8LJW_KiCkEt1zEXm5EPtIL-GmFB3nsNJcSqwEtlk4QQoDoNYa8D8NNPjGeH82_Lt9UEMM6baYV3yXz5Ha9HkQV60BNFH5uiWGSvNgCERlGRN-gLkVTRyTGyyHLYPeDyJMllg6ICgLQvbhHi7F6hakkMIqzTb3Tng_lE1x0P6He4byLDSnN%26sigh%3D6S5dOviwVOONzAZ9fzCz9VvpPaA%26begin%3D0%26len%3D86400000%26docid%3D0&nogvlm=1&thumbnailUrl=http%3A%2F%2Fvideo.google.com%2FThumbnailServer2%3Fapp%3Dblogger%26contentid%3D515d6636750ab29c%26offsetms%3D5000%26itag%3Dw320%26sigh%3DOKSijpda7P4BhsQ-MhOE9TMbl2Y&messagesUrl=video.google.com%2FFlashUiStrings.xlb%3Fframe%3Dflashstrings%26hl%3Den

I’m not ordinarily a jealous man, but Chris Owens? Damn….

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Believe it or not, I’ve never been a Madonna fan. I mean, yeah, “Everybody” was kinda cute in a minimalist way, and I’ve shaken a tailfeather to some of her other songs at clubs, but I’ve never actually bought anything–unless you count that one Jellybean Benitez single where she sang background vocals, though that seems like a stretch.

My reluctance to embrace Madonna/Esther/the MG has always been an enigma–to my friends and also to me. But today, I learned that my aversion, like her love, is totally justified. In an article that’s not even really about her, I found this:

After recently sitting close enough to Madonna at a restaurant in Mayfair to see the svelte star’s lunch of a single boiled egg, I wonder if the saying Blondes have more fun is really true.

Vogue UK

Now, anyone who knows me knows I’m not a picky eater. I’ll eat nearly anything you put in front of me–vegetable, animal, and occasionally, mineral. But there are two things I simply cannot stomach: a Japanese pickled plum and a hard-boiled egg. (NB: Jonno shares my egg hang-up. In fact, it was one of the things over which we bonded early in our relationship. We celebrate 11 years next week, so, you know, take it for what you will.)

Even worse: not only is Madonna eating the damn thing–in public!–but it’s the only thing she’s eating. That just seems reckless and masochistic. Either the botox has rendered her totally insane, or she’s not from this planet at all.

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IF YOU GO AWAY

A brief duet with my eldest dog, Gaston

http://www.seeqpod.net/cache/seeqpodSlimlineEmbed.swf

GASTON: (Following ME to the front door) If you go away on this summer day, then you might as well take the sun away!

ME: (Crouching to stroke GASTON’s graying head) Aw! Poor baby! I’ll be back in just a bit. You be a good boy–

GASTON: All the birds that fly in the summer sky–

ME: Well technically it’s still spring. Not that you’d notice in that bigass fur coat of yours, but whatever.

GASTON: When our love was new and our hearts were high, when the day was young and the night was long–

ME: Um, I don’t know exactly what you’re implying, but do you mind keeping your voice down?

GASTON: And the moon stood still for the night bird’s song.

ME: (Standing to unlock the door) Sweetheart, you know how I feel about birds.

GASTON: If you go away, if you go away, if you go away…. (Sobs)

ME: (Crouching again) Oh, don’t cry, Gaston. I’ll be right–

GASTON: (Squirming from my grasp and running excitedly up and down the hall) But if you stay, I’ll make you a day like no day has been, or will be again!

ME: Atta boy! That’s a good boy! Who’s a good boy?!

GASTON: We’ll sail the sun, we’ll ride on the rain, We’ll talk to the trees and worship the wind.

ME: Okaaay, easy does it, kiddo….

GASTON: Then if you go, I’ll understand. Leave me just enough love to fill up my hand. If you go away, if you go away, if you go away….

ME: You’re starting to freak me out, Gaston. Just a little.

GASTON: If you go away, as I know you will, you must tell the world to stop turning till you return again–if you ever do–for what good is love without loving you?

ME: Has Jonno been letting you watch AMC while I’m at work? ‘Cause you’re sounding a lot like Glenn Close right now, and with your digestive problems–

GASTON: Can I tell you now, as you turn to go? I’ll be dying slowly till the next hello…. If you go away, if you go away, if you go away….

ME: Wow. Bravo. I think living in a house with a couple of drama queens has really rubbed off on you, Miss Bernhardt–

GASTON: (Again with the excitement and the galloping and subsequent wheezing) But if you stay, I’ll make you a night like no night has been, or will be again!

ME: Does that mean you’ll quit farting in bed?

GASTON: I’ll sail on your smile, I’ll ride on your touch, I’ll talk to your eyes that I love so much.

ME: Well, thanks. What a nice thing to say! I’d been thinking about Lasik so I could lose the glasses, but then all that Kathy Griffin conflamma went down–

GASTON: But if you go, I won’t cry, though the good is gone from the word “goodbye”! If you go away, if you go away, if you go away….

ME: Gaston, I’m just running to the corner store for more dog food. I’ll be back in five–

GASTON: If you go away, as I know you must–

ME: Dude, did you hear what I just said?

GASTON: There’ll be nothing left in the world to trust. Just an empty room, full of empty space, like the empty look I see on your face–

ME: Are you saying you aren’t going to hop right up on the sofa and shed your heart out as soon as I’m out the door?

GASTON: Laisse-moi devenir l’ombre de ton ombre–

ME: Wait…what?

GASTON: L’ombre de ta main–

ME: So all those times I’ve spoken to you in French to keep my vocab fresh–you’ve understood?

GASTON: L’ombre de ton chien

ME: Um, you are my dog.

GASTON: If you go away, if you go away, if you go away….

ME: Oh my god…. You can talk!

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David J:

If you are reading this, please send me an email as soon as possible. I have important news. Not tragic or awful or life-changing, but important.

To the rest of you:

There is something to be said for acquiring an easy-to-remember email address and committing to it for the rest of your life. Which is not to say that you can never have another email account, but please leave a forwarding address.

That, in the words of Mr. Hodgman, is all.

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Apparently these are the top search terms bringing folks like you to sturtle.com:

  • sturtle [Duh.]

  • Pictures Of Men In Spandex [Eh, not so much. Try this guy.]

  • youtube hand mouth hom smother [Wha?]

  • cute shorty [Is that a compliment?]

  • Famous people from Terre Haute [At least you’re on the right track.]

  • jefferson man jumps off bridge [You, too.]

  • puts cigarette out in pussy [Sounds delish!]

  • “the masked man’s a fag” [Goddess bless Lenny Bruce.]

  • candis grissett [Sorry, not really into chicks and stuff.]

  • family incest photos [This one’s always in the top 10. Though I don’t know why.]

Funny, Jocelyn Wildenstein usually shows up, too. Could the infamous Cat Lady be losing her appeal?