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Sorry, Keith, but I have to agree with Dean on this one. I mean, I have nothing against Madonna personally. In fact, she seems to have quite a few redeeming qualities. For starters, she’s one of my leo brethren–uh, sistren. She’s also charmingly eccentric, and when it comes to marketing, she’s a whiz kid nonpareil. I even find her music bearable–and with the right re-mixer, it can be downright enjoyable. Why, I’ve juked to nearly all her diddies, from “Everybody” (my personal Zen-disco-minimal favorite) to the recent “Music,” with the notable exception of the duck-and-cover-inducing “Cherish.” (*shudder* Let us never speak of it again.)

No, my problem with the M. Lady stems not so much from her funky-but-puerile music, but from the cult she’s created among the Marys. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Madonna, save me from your homo disciples.

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Another little something from The Magazine That Never Happened:

FAKE Magazine: Personals

Work me!

Sandy Duncan in the wheat field can’t hold a candle to me! I am all that, honey, and a 25¢ drink–and a toothpick when you’re done. 39 y.o., chocolate-flavored lover, feminine above, masculine below. I’m all you need, so do me, daddy! No gay men. (As if you’d even think about it after you laughed at me falling down the steps at that A-list party last week. All I gotta say is, at least I got paid for going to that lame-ass party, gymboy motherfucker–you know who you are!)

* * *

Cut Me Open!

DWF, former mannequin, undergoing painful separation from world-class magician. Seeks swarthy M for fun and games. Watersports OK. Fluent in 12 tongues. I mean it.

* * *

Let’s Skip Breakfast Together

BM seeks lovin’ on the side. Late middle age, former songwriter, wants to please any interested young women. Well-built, attractive, very few facial scars. Love fine cars, good wine, passion. Dislike contemporary music, jealousy, grits.

* * *

I Swallow!

DWF, 67, recently widowed, lonely. I make a mean bruchellone, boys! 38″ 26″ 38″ and it’s all real! Come and give me a whirl! No drinkers–I swore on my husband’s grave I’d never marry an alcoholic because that’s how he passed, you know, drank himself to death. I won’t let that happen again! If you drink, you stink! Stay away! Vamoose! All others considered regardless of race, age, or religion (as long as you’re Catholic).

* * *

Spicy Girl Sandwich!

GM couple seek woman for first-time encounter. #1: 22yo, bi, 6′, 175, tattoos, brown/brown (blond highlights); #2: 58yo, gay, 5’7″, 132, businessman, grey/bald/blue, clean-shaven. #2 needs a woman because he’s terminally ill–not contagious!–and wants to have the experience. #1 will serve as leader. Be open-minded, patient, attractive, under 60, with nice feet. No men dressed as women, please.

* * *

Que Sera, Seance

Recently deceased, bi-curious SWF seeks soulmate for the afterlife. Enjoy hovering silently above my two children, hiding things in former husband’s study, misplacing mother-in-law’s tiara. No drinkers. Swarthy Mediterranean types a +.

* * *

Worship at My Temple!
SJF, 34, 6’3″, writer/equestrienne, seeks same for fun and profit. Or games, if you prefer–ha! Natural blondes a +, and don’t think I won’t be able to tell, you. I like long, lazy walks, picnics, stilt-walking, and, occasionally, wrestling. Recent episiotomy, so we’ll have to take it slow. No men! This means you! Yes, you! Please bathe.

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Sloth is good. I mean, if I weren’t so goddamn lazy, I might have actually removed the BlogVoices code from my page, and then it’d take me weeks to put it back properly again.

I feel the same way about making the bed: it’s much easier to crawl into when it’s a mess.

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I’m lazy and refuse to remove my Blogvoices tags until the situation resolves itself completely.

<batting eyes> Unless, of course, that brainy little sexpot Steve wants to help me out with some php….</batting eyes>

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My desk is piled high with work. My car is a wreck. I won’t even mention the living room, the bedroom, or *shudder* the kitchen.

So with all this crapola, this karmic schmutz, why am I considering a redesign? Me, Richard. The guy who’s been know to wear the same outfit for a week. The one who goes days without bathing. I mean, my dogs change their look more often than I do. A redesign should be at the bottom of my list.

I’m guessing it all stems from stress. It’s heavy grantwriting time at work, and I’ve got some serious marketing to do, and of course, Mardi Gras is coming up, and with it, many a costume to prepare for the balls and parades. And, and, and…. So, redesigning this website is a great way to focus my energies on a non-threatening, deadline-free task. Or, in common parlance, to waste time. Hey, what can I say? It’s a coping mechanism.

Today’s broadcast of Solo Psychotherapy for the Self-Absorbed has been brought to you by Campbell’s Soup for One, Big Daddy’s neighborhood bar, and the friendly folks at Falcon Video.