An Independence Day List of 13 People, Places, and Things
From Which I Have Declared My Own Independence
1. Mom (just the adoptive one), apple pie, and baseball
Too many issues, too many carbs, and too hard to find 17 other faggots to play a decent game.2. The Velvet Mafia
Although the bloody gerbil head I found on my pillow may mean I’ve already been booted out.3. The Lindsay Lohan Fan Club
My time, energy, and disposable income have been re-allocated to Mr. Jesse Bradford.4. Tom Robbins
After years of valiant attempts, I’ve made absolutely no headway on his oeuvre. And yes, ladies, I’ve tried Even Cowgirls Get the Blues. It’s a lost cause.5. Alternative faggotry
Speaking of lost causes… I mean, seriously: I can’t be the only one who wants to beat Rufus Wainwright to a pulp.6. Antiques Roadshow
It was cute at first, but one more $20,000 toothpick, and I think I’ll scream.7. Ming Tsai
His hotfuckability has been outweighed by his chronic case of assholism.8. Takeout from China Wall
In light of #7 above, this does not constitute a revolt against the whole of Chinese cuisine–just against its fat calories. Besides, I’m keeping the option to receive deliveries at home.9. Sanity
The addition of a fourth dog to our household was the stray that broke the camel’s back.10. The American Songbook
A result of that cinematic train wreck otherwise known as Delovely.11. Dilbert
We get it: you’re a nerd.12. Party Politics
<facetiousness>Unless it’s an Oscar party, Mary!</facetiousness>13. The Amish
Admittedly, not a difficult one since I’ve never even met an Amish person, but I needed something to round out the list…
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