Because I’m really, really gay. And no one’s invited me to do the presidential debates anyway.
6:01pm — Damn, but Mark Walberg looks good in a suit. Much better than that Mark Wahlberg guy.
6:01pm — Omigod, who saves crap like that? It’s like low-rent Precious Moments, which is kind of redundant. Not to mention weird.
6:02pm — Well, at least we get to see Richard Wright do his thing. He’s always worth a chuckle. Middle-aged queens with beards and long dangly earrings always get my vote.
6:03pm — $5,000? I…I’m freakin’ stunned. And very disappointed.
6:04pm — Antique print. Snooze. However, I’d like to know what Country Gentleman magazine was all about.
6:05pm — Really? $20k – $75k? Apart from being really high, isn’t that a little vague? Like, it’ll bring somewhere between five bucks and $30,000. No, that seems reasonable. Totally reasonable.
6:05pm — Honey…. Honey…. Honey, did you forget that Antiques Roadshow is a TV show? Do you own a comb? Or a bra? Honey…. Nice jewelry, though. I’ll trade you a Wonderbra for it.
6:08pm — Oooh–Egyptojunk. High likelihood of fraud and fakeness. Schadenfreude detector activated!
6:10pm — Nice tie, Mr. Appraiser.
6:11pm — Damn, it’s real. And apparently, really valuable. Sell it and use the money to get rid of that butt-cut!
6:12pm — Tuning out. Pottery bores me to tears. Not least because I can’t collect it, since we have a house full of clumsy, rambunctious hounds.
6:13pm — Here comes a know-it-all. I love it when folks walk on with stuff they’ve researched and allegedly know a lot about, and the appraiser’s all like, “Oh, isn’t that cute? You think you’re a little expert! But lemme tell you, bitch: you’re wrong. I didn’t spend 27 years as an apprentice at Sotheby’s for nothing.”
6:16pm — Bo-ring. Bo-ring. Expensive attic crap. Bo-ring.
6:17pm — Omigod, it’s all so boring. I guess everyone thinks their own family history is fascinating– I know I do–but having to listen to someone else’s…wow. Naptime.
6:18pm — Disney memorabilia. Somebody call Chris Marsh. I’m going to heat up some leftovers. Which Chris would probably also like.
6:25pm — What the hell is that? I’m gone for six minutes and 66 seconds (my favorite microwave time), and it’s like they hauled out the Ark of the goddamn Covenant… Oh, never mind, its just a hunk of glass. A very pretty hunk of art glass, but glass nonetheless.
6:27pm — P.S. Not Tiffany. Everyone always walks in thinking, “Oh, yeah, I’ve got me some Tiffany in here,” and they, like, nearly always get shot down.
6:28pm — Etagère. Fabulous word. Not so fabulous television.
6:29pm — SHE IS WEARING CROCS! ON TELEVISION! WHITE CROCS! But at least she’s got a bra, so I guess that counts for something.
6:29pm — Not a fan of the Keno twins. A don’t use this word often, but they seem a bit foppish. Pas de sexy.
6:30pm — Train prints. Like 60s wallpaper. Or Petticoat Junction ads. On that note: Was Petticoat Junction a spin-off of Green Acres or The Beverly Hillbillies? I oughta google that one day. (P.S. Blogger, which is owned by Google, is cool with “Google” capitalized, but thinks “google” is totally misspelled.)
6:33pm — Copper chafing dish. Which Lady owner polished, thereby decreasing the value. Lady does not know what “patina” means. Not a regular viewer.
6:35pm — Hello, Hairhelmet Lady! With a snooty punch bowl!
6:38pm — Hairhelmet Lady is underwhelmed with her $2000 punch bowl.
6:38pm — Omigod. This guy with the miniature portraits so totally fits the profile of a middle-aged man who still lives at home with his mother and polishes the silver on Friday nights.
6:40pm — Omigod, foxy Christie’s lady is flirting with the middle-aged silver-polisher. Hussy! Tease!
6:41pm — I love Berj Zavian, everyone’s favorite stereotypical Jewish jewelry dealer! Now with suspenders!
6:41pm — More Tiffany–this time for real. An ink well. A mosaic ink well at that. People at the turn of the century sure had a lot of time on their hands.
6:45pm — I love the word “Chinoiserie”. Even more than “etagère”. But it’s still on the dull side. Can’t someone screen these people for fabulousness? Or at least make sure they’re mildly retarded?
6:47pm — Another woman underwhelmed by her appraisal. Bitter, party of one?
6:47pm — Well, that oil painting is certainly no oil painting.
6:48pm — That appraiser, though…Alasdair something or other. Scottish bear in pinstripes. Yowsa.
6:51pm — $180,000?!? Like Doris Duke over here really needs it. How cute.
6:52pm — Did I mention how good Mark Walberg is looking these days? ‘Cause he is.
6:53pm — And…we’ve reached the end. Where otherwise normal people make fools of themselves in front of an unmanned videocamera. And tonight is no exception….. Ooh! New Simpsons in five!
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