My New Asshole
by Michael Robbins
My new asshole’s official candy
is cola-flavored, fish-shaped.
I sexually harass it.
It puckers with distaste.
My new asshole could be your friend,
if you had any friends. My new asshole
is making a name for itself.
It is a way of looking at the world.
It tilts at megabucks.
It tithes its chocolate tenth.
It moons over my hammy.
It sings a song of sapience.
Now it wants a puppy.
It wants to open a Red Lobster.
Where did it get that strawberry?
My new asshole has discovered boys.
My new asshole says so much.
My new asshole is being bullied.
It occurs to me I am my new asshole.
I am talking about myself again.